Where is my unwavering Faith?

Knowing that this past year has produced growth... I find myself wondering why I struggle to feel intimately connected with my Heavenly Father? I read His word, I pray often, I strive to implement that which I have read in my daily life... why the distant feeling? Where is my unwavering Faith that reaffirms all I believe to be Truth? Am I missing a step?
I have realized lately that I am not so certain I know true Fear. Do I really fear the Lord our God? I mean TRULY fear Him? I am not so sure. My actions lead me to believe that I am in need of a good whoopin'. If I truly feared God, wouldn't I fearfully submit to Him in all I do? Wouldn't I be afraid to sin against Him? Sometimes I actually catch myself thinking... He will forgive me. It's just a little act of sin, just a small form of rebellion, just a slight mistrust. UGGG! Is anyone else there with me? Is anyone else feeling as if they have bought into the "Loving God" a bit too much somewhere along the way? Feeling like their Faith has been shaken a bit by the ideal god that the world so desires? Yes, God is Love... this is true, but He is also Unchanging, All powerful, Undefileable, Just, Jealous, Gracious, All-Knowing, All-Seeing, Sovereign, Holy, and Self-Sufficient... just to name a few. So why am I so quick to rely on the Loving attributes? "...fear the LORD your God as long as you live by keeping all his decrees and commands that I give you, and so that you may enjoy long life." Deut 6:2b I want long life... I want that FEAR! Where is it hiding and why? "And now, O Israel, what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to observe the LORD's commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good?" Deut 10:12-13. I want to serve God with all my heart and soul, but I know I can't unless I truly fear Him. Why am I not able to read the stories of God's wrath and know that He is to be feared... Why is it that I know he is the giver and taker of life... and yet I fear man more than Him? WHY?! I NEED to fear God so desperately. I WANT to fear God. I NEED prayer for this. I NEED the Holy Spirit to do a mighty work in my heart and strike fear into the depths on my being... to change me, to grow me, to conform me. I NEED. What about you?

Build up or tear down?

"The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish pulls it down with her hands." Proverbs 14:1. I was listening to a sermon today on the topic of the proverbial wife. I was rather humbled by some of the topics covered, but this one verse tugged at the heart strings. I know that the past month I have been bitter an resistant to adjustment here in South Korea. I was not as joyfilled as I should have been, that I was able to serve God in a new and exciting country.So many things to experience... I just couldn't see past my self pity.
I have been in prayer lately over this lack of Joy. I have been asking the Lord to fill me with His Joy through the Holy Spirit who endwells me. I have seen results, and so has Taylor! It was not until I saw the joy in Taylors reaction to this change, that I recognized the pain I had been causing to him prior. I was tearing him down through my behavior and mood. He was not able to lean on me for comfort as I was always turning to him with a downhearted attitude. I was foolishly tearing down our house.
I want to be a wife who exhorts my husband. Who helps my husband. Who brings him glory. Who loves him and does him good and not evil all the days of my life. I want to be the wife God has intend for him... a prudent, gently, quiet, kind, and submissive wife. It may not always be easy, but I can find strength in the Lord. I must. I want a marriage that lasts, a home with a firm foundation, and a loving nature that honors God. Please pray for me as I continue to conform to the image of God, as I strive to imitate Christ in my daily life, and as I demonstrate His Love in my relationship with Taylor. thank you.
LL
Sermon that stirred...

Hasten to be rich... no more!

I was reading in Proverbs 28 today and felt rightly convicted after reading verse 20. "A faithful man will abound with blessings, But he who hastens to be rich will not go unpunished." I feel as though I have been desiring after worldly things here lately. I grumble about not having things I want for our new home and food that would be nice to add to the menu. I have been a fool. I see now that not only was I affected by these sinful and lustful thoughts, but my family as well, namely Taylor. I was placing a heavier burden upon his shoulders each time I grumbled or complained about an item I wanted, but could not afford. I was speaking through subliminal messages that I myself was too decieved to see. I was telling Taylor "you are not providing for our family" with every complaint. I was no longer doing him good, but rather evil. I was was sinning against both the Lord and Taylor and for that I must apologize and ask forgiveness. After lifting a repentful prayer to my Heavenly Father, I looked through the rest of the Proverbs for more snippets of wisdom in this area and stumbbled across more than a dozen! It is clear that I am not the only one that struggles with lusting after worldly things, but it is also clear that God will deal with them justly. I stand in fear of the Living God and do not desire to be in the wake of His wrath, and so I will take to heart the many scriptures revealed to me today and hold fast to them. I know I will stumble now and then, but I can now stand firm in the Truth of His word and know that "Better is a little with righteousness, Than vast revenues without justice." Prov. 16:8 I have been convicted by the Holy Spirit in this area, but would ask that you join me in praying for those who struggle with this sin and may not be aware. I also ask that you lovingly address them in their sin. For we are called to "encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." Hebrews 3:13

I am most often blinded to my own sin... Thank you Lord for blessing me with the Holy Spirit who convicts me, and for my husband... who loves me enough to tell me when I am struggling in sin.
LL

Lonely and Afflicted

As of late, I have been in a rather grumpy mood. I am feeling less and less connected with the world. I find myself hiding in our apartment, wasting away the hours until Taylor gets home. I am discouraged by my circumstances and it reflects through my actions. I grieve over things I can no longer possess, material objects I convinced myself into thinking would make life easier or more comfortable. I am ashamed of my sinful thoughts and behavior. I feel at times, that I am justified in my actions in that I feel lonely and afflicted. Today I strayed from my typical path for reading. I decided to do some topical reading instead. My heart is heavy and in need of comforting and encouragement and so I turned to the Psalms. Psalm 25 read like a prayer I myself should be praying. And so I did... I longed for David's words to be my own. I longed for the mercy he cried out for. The deliverance. Taylor and Corin have been the recipients of much of my bitterness. I have not been flushing the toilet of my heart and so the waste has now become overflow. As I poured the words of David into my heart, it became like liquid plumber for my soul. As humorous as this may sound, it could not have been more serious or needed. I have apologized to both Taylor and Corin for my angry outbursts and cold shoulders. I am still struggling to bring positive thoughts to the forefront of my mind throughout the day. I do get lonely. I do feel afflicted. I know Satan is able to use my negative thoughts to fill my heart with waste again, but I do NOT desire that. I am weak and made of merely flesh, but the Lord has granted me a way out. I have the gift of the Holy Spirit to battle in my weakness and to use my strengths for His purpose. Please join me in prayer for the cleansing and healing of my hardening heart, that I would become joyous in my circumstances and a light to my family. That I would exhort and encourage my guys and not tear them down. In asking for this, I leave you with the words of David which so clearly ask on my behalf, what I may not have known to speak otherwise. Thank you Lord for the gift of scripture and how deeply it works to transform our hearts so that our overflow may be pure.

Psalm 25: To You, O LORD, I lift up my soul. O my God, I trust in You; Let me not be ashamed; Let not my enemies triumph over me. Indeed, let no one who waits on You be ashamed; Let those be ashamed who deal treacherously without cause. Show me Your ways, O LORD; Teach me Your paths. Lead me in Your truth and teach me, For You are the God of my salvation; On You I wait all the day. Remember, O LORD, Your tender mercies and Your lovingkindnesses, For they are from of old. Do not remember the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions; According to Your mercy remember me, For Your goodness’ sake, O LORD. Good and upright is the LORD; Therefore He teaches sinners in the way. The humble He guides in justice, And the humble He teaches His way. All the paths of the LORD are mercy and truth, To such as keep His covenant and His testimonies. For Your name’s sake, O LORD, Pardon my iniquity, for it is great. Who is the man that fears the LORD? Him shall He[a] teach in the way He[b] chooses. He himself shall dwell in prosperity, And his descendants shall inherit the earth. The secret of the LORD is with those who fear Him, And He will show them His covenant. My eyes are ever toward the LORD, For He shall pluck my feet out of the net. Turn Yourself to me, and have mercy on me, For I am desolate and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have enlarged; Bring me out of my distresses! Look on my affliction and my pain, And forgive all my sins. Consider my enemies, for they are many; And they hate me with cruel hatred. Keep my soul, and deliver me; Let me not be ashamed, for I put my trust in You. Let integrity and uprightness preserve me, For I wait for You. Redeem Israel, O God, Out of all their troubles!

The one thing I am saved from, I fear?

John 5:24 states "I tell you the truth, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life." I have crossed over from death to life. How encouraging and mind boggling is that?! Should I not desire to see my Savior, the sole provider of that Life through His own death? I should and I do. I desire to see my Savior face to face. To be overflowing with a joy I can only dream of. I desire that greatly, but I also fear leaving this wretched world. I fear leaving those I love. I fear not finding those I had hoped believed in the ultimate Hope. I fear Owen will not be there, waiting to be held once more by his earthly mother as he sits in awe of his Heavenly Father. These are all fears that burn in my heart, fueled by Satan himself. Even when I know this to be true, I fear. I fear for others that I might lose, as if they were mine to begin with. I know that I am only 25, and God is only beginning the refining process. But as these flaws and impurities boil to the surface, I often find myself wondering when they will evaporate away to reveal the pure. When will I fear no longer? When will I, like my dear friend facing health problems later in life, find a peace that comes only through that refining. I suppose I have yet to face my many trials. I have yet to see His purpose in those which I have faced thus far. I have much wisdom to gain from His scriptures... and so the pot slowly boils away. The sifting and skimming continues on. I am confident in my God and know that at the right time, I too will make peace with my fears and the only fear left will be my rightly fear of God the Father. I cherish that thought as I pray for those I long to selfishly hold near. God, you are infinitely GOOD!


1 Peter 1:3-9 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
LL

Proverbs 16

As I read Proverbs 16 yesterday, it seemed to be a continuing theme from chapter 15. I read on and underlined "heart" and "mouth" as I read finding that indeed the contrast between the righteous and wicked continued on in reference to the mouth being the fountain of the heart. I then began to wonder what God could be using this scripture to say to my heart for producing change? I couldn't put my finger on it, but I knew something was there. I had noticed that the author opens and closes the chapter with "from the Lord." It grabbed my attention as I continued looking for the hidden message He had for me. I read through a couple more times with no success, but highlighted a verse that struck a cord in my own heart. Verse 23 "The heart of the wise teaches his mouth, and adds understanding to his lips." Here again the heart and mouth are used to show a cause and effect of the products created from your pursuit of godliness... or lack there of. As I wrapped up my study to continue on to Romans, I read through once more, hoping I might see the application in my life beyond the face value of the scriptures. I didn't happen and so I went to bed with the question somewhat lingering in my thoughts.
This morning I awoke to the question again. There MUST be something to this scripture that God would have me learn. After making a fresh cup of coffee, I sat down to check my e-mail while Corin gobbled up his breakfast. As I read through the messages sent, a friend of mine kept racing through my thoughts and so I decided to write her a short note. At the conclusion of the note, I had the revelation! God wanted me to be a living example! I have a disadvantage in not speaking Korean to minister to the women and children in my community, but I can live out my Faith. My actions can speak more loudly and clearly than my words at times and so I need to be mindful of how I represent Christ thought those actions. Aha! I was elated when I finally realized the message God intended for me. It was very evident that this was "from the Lord" in that I had such clarity in my thoughts on this topic. I was amazed how God used my somewhat new friendship to bring this about. I am so glad that God uses those around us to speak wisdom into our hearts! Praises to our Lord and Father for guidance and direction in our lives for without You, we would be eternally lost! Proverbs 16:9 " A man's heart plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps."
LL

Proverbs 15

I will begin with an update concerning my last post. I am a huge believer in the power of prayer as I have and will continue to proclaim! The night after confessing to you the burdening thoughts weighing on my heart, I was able to lie down without fear or frailty. I slept well that night and to date, every night thereafter! I still think of Owen often, but my tears are that of joy in knowing he is well Loved and missed by many. I am thankful for a gracious God and willing brothers and sisters who lifted me to this place. Thank you and many praises to the Living God!
I am not sure how you go about deciding where you will read in God’s word, but more often than not, I am convicted of a sin in my life and look up passages accordingly. I am encouraged in the scripture I find through the reassuring fact that I am not the only one who has struggled in this area. I am thankful that we are able to read God’s promises and desires for action in each situation. I love having a guide book when I am indeed feeling rather lost. Feeling convicted by my words of anger while disciplining Corin this morning, I turned to my concordance seeking direction. I am always drawn to the Proverbs because they are bite size bits of wisdom that are easily recited to memory and so I scanned the reference books and landed in Proverbs 15. I read through the chapter at least three times before seeing a pattern. The “heart” and the “mouth” repeated throughout, contrasting the righteous and the sinful. Vs 28 “The heart of the righteous studies how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours forth evil.” I went through and underlined each reference, then looked up both words in Vine’s expository dictionary.
Heart: In this case the definition would be described as “inner man” or “inner being” in that everything flows from the heart… thoughts, actions, desires and words. Taking this into account, I found the verse in Matthew where the Pharisees are being reprimanded by Christ for their blasphemous words regarding the Holy Spirit. Matt 12:33-35 “Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or else make the tree bad and its fruit bad; for a tree is known by its fruit. Brood of vipers! How can you, being evil, speak good things? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good things, and an evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth evil things.” I have often been told that the dirtiest part of your body is… you guessed it, the mouth. In our society, good dental hygiene is engrained in our minds and daily routines from the very first tooth… which for most is within the first year of life. As you grow older, you are faced with social pressure to maintain a white smile and fresh breath. How many of those infants that are having their gums scrubbed with a finger brush are being sung to or read to about Jesus? How many people do you suppose read their Bibles or even prays as often as they brush? It is sad to think of how much I do for my outward appearances, and how little I care for the “inner man.”
After coming to this conclusion on the matter, I reflected on the fruit I myself am bearing. What example am I setting for Corin? How am I representing Christ in claiming Him and yet spitting out rotting fruit? I am humbled in thinking on how much you can tell of one’s spiritual walk by merely listening to them speak. I too often have caught myself in the midst of gossip or anger or bitterness or you name it… I am called to react to my sin in a way that is glorifying to God. Colossians 3:17 came to mind as I closed in prayer, confessing my sin to God. “And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.” I am very thankful for this revelation and humility. (As the Lord would have it, I read Romans 7 today as well… God reinforces!)
*LL