Lonely and Afflicted

As of late, I have been in a rather grumpy mood. I am feeling less and less connected with the world. I find myself hiding in our apartment, wasting away the hours until Taylor gets home. I am discouraged by my circumstances and it reflects through my actions. I grieve over things I can no longer possess, material objects I convinced myself into thinking would make life easier or more comfortable. I am ashamed of my sinful thoughts and behavior. I feel at times, that I am justified in my actions in that I feel lonely and afflicted. Today I strayed from my typical path for reading. I decided to do some topical reading instead. My heart is heavy and in need of comforting and encouragement and so I turned to the Psalms. Psalm 25 read like a prayer I myself should be praying. And so I did... I longed for David's words to be my own. I longed for the mercy he cried out for. The deliverance. Taylor and Corin have been the recipients of much of my bitterness. I have not been flushing the toilet of my heart and so the waste has now become overflow. As I poured the words of David into my heart, it became like liquid plumber for my soul. As humorous as this may sound, it could not have been more serious or needed. I have apologized to both Taylor and Corin for my angry outbursts and cold shoulders. I am still struggling to bring positive thoughts to the forefront of my mind throughout the day. I do get lonely. I do feel afflicted. I know Satan is able to use my negative thoughts to fill my heart with waste again, but I do NOT desire that. I am weak and made of merely flesh, but the Lord has granted me a way out. I have the gift of the Holy Spirit to battle in my weakness and to use my strengths for His purpose. Please join me in prayer for the cleansing and healing of my hardening heart, that I would become joyous in my circumstances and a light to my family. That I would exhort and encourage my guys and not tear them down. In asking for this, I leave you with the words of David which so clearly ask on my behalf, what I may not have known to speak otherwise. Thank you Lord for the gift of scripture and how deeply it works to transform our hearts so that our overflow may be pure.

Psalm 25: To You, O LORD, I lift up my soul. O my God, I trust in You; Let me not be ashamed; Let not my enemies triumph over me. Indeed, let no one who waits on You be ashamed; Let those be ashamed who deal treacherously without cause. Show me Your ways, O LORD; Teach me Your paths. Lead me in Your truth and teach me, For You are the God of my salvation; On You I wait all the day. Remember, O LORD, Your tender mercies and Your lovingkindnesses, For they are from of old. Do not remember the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions; According to Your mercy remember me, For Your goodness’ sake, O LORD. Good and upright is the LORD; Therefore He teaches sinners in the way. The humble He guides in justice, And the humble He teaches His way. All the paths of the LORD are mercy and truth, To such as keep His covenant and His testimonies. For Your name’s sake, O LORD, Pardon my iniquity, for it is great. Who is the man that fears the LORD? Him shall He[a] teach in the way He[b] chooses. He himself shall dwell in prosperity, And his descendants shall inherit the earth. The secret of the LORD is with those who fear Him, And He will show them His covenant. My eyes are ever toward the LORD, For He shall pluck my feet out of the net. Turn Yourself to me, and have mercy on me, For I am desolate and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have enlarged; Bring me out of my distresses! Look on my affliction and my pain, And forgive all my sins. Consider my enemies, for they are many; And they hate me with cruel hatred. Keep my soul, and deliver me; Let me not be ashamed, for I put my trust in You. Let integrity and uprightness preserve me, For I wait for You. Redeem Israel, O God, Out of all their troubles!