Trust and fear.

It seems that trust and fear go hand in hand. You fear because you do not trust. You trust because you do not fear. How can we then achieve a level of trust and still fear? I have been reflecting over the past year here in Korea. What has the Lord taught me though this foreign excursion? What has He shown me in the absence of friends and family? In the absence of community? In the absence of Owen?

I struggle daily with the fact that I am fearful for my family. I catch myself fearing for their lives as we drive to Busan, or take a walk on a street where a car might hit us, or while Corin is sleeping. Taylor and I seem to check on Corin more than we used to... or maybe it's just me. As Corin grows older, the thought of more children grows more "urgent" in my mind. I am not fearful of having another baby. I know that they are not mine, but the Lord's. I know that I have no control over the outcome of their lives. I know. I trust this. I trust the Lord to use their lives for His good... but yet I still fear. Each day I fear that something will happen, something permanent and unchanging. Why?

I have no doubt in my heart over Owen's death. I have no haunting questions or guilt. I have nothing but trust and peace in the Lord concerning that specific trial. Truly. Peace. I can without a doubt see the fruit from that trial as well. Through my testimony, I know others have been touched. I have been able to empathize with more people over the past year and a half that I might not have otherwise been able to come to the Lord with such fervor and passion in prayer. I am incredibly drawn to new mothers and their need for prayer. I see the important role we play as parents in a whole new light. My heart also aches for women desiring to be mothers who have not yet had that opportunity. I find myself praying for children for them. But I am getting off course, so I'll save those thoughts for another entry.

Fear. I suppose my fear is connected to lack of control. So then what I can conclude from that concept would be that I do not Trust the control which God has. Is that true? Perhaps. Perhaps I doubt God's choices in some things. Perhaps I find myself desiring Owen to be here and running about after his brother. Perhaps I feel a little short changed in that respect sometimes, but then I always seem to come out of that dark cloud of thoughts and land on the firm Rock. The rock that gives me security in knowing Christ has a purpose. That Owen's death produced results, seen and unseen and that I am changing. I am changing and growing in ways I would not have before. Is this the method I would have gone about these changes? No. But that is the beauty. Would any of us really suffer if given the choice? Unlikely. But Christ did. Christ was given the freedom to choose suffering and death, or life. He chose suffering and death for us. For you, for me, for everyone. And so I choose to suffer for His sake as well. I would not know suffering without Joy. I could not have suffered the loss of Owen without first enjoying the sheer excitement and joy of his birth and life. With joy comes pain and with pain comes joy.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." James 1:2-3
"We ought always to thank God for you, brothers and sisters, and rightly so, because your faith is growing more and more, and the love all of you have for one another is increasing. Therefore, among God’s churches we boast about your perseverance and faith in all the persecutions and trials you are enduring.
All this is evidence that God’s judgment is right, and as a result you will be counted worthy of the kingdom of God, for which you are suffering. God is just: He will pay back trouble to those who trouble you and give relief to you who are troubled, and to us as well. This will happen when the Lord Jesus is revealed from heaven in blazing fire with his powerful angels." 2 Thessalonians 1:3-7

So as this last scripture leads me to conclude, I am growing more and more in faith. Through that growth, I will eventually lose that fear. Through prayer and understanding of God through His scriptures, I will lose that fear and replace it with more and more Trust and Faith in His judgement. I will stand firm in His will, knowing that He is JUST and RIGHT and will be counted worthy of His Kingdom. Worth it? YOU BET!

In having disclosed my heart and thought to you on this topic, I ask in return that you pray for my continued growth in faith and trust in the Lord. I ask that you bear in mind those who have dealt with various trials and pray the same for them as well. That we might all be sanctified daily in hopes that we will be counted worthy. :) I love the Lord for He is good and His love endures forever. Amen and amen.
LL