Where is my unwavering Faith?

Knowing that this past year has produced growth... I find myself wondering why I struggle to feel intimately connected with my Heavenly Father? I read His word, I pray often, I strive to implement that which I have read in my daily life... why the distant feeling? Where is my unwavering Faith that reaffirms all I believe to be Truth? Am I missing a step?
I have realized lately that I am not so certain I know true Fear. Do I really fear the Lord our God? I mean TRULY fear Him? I am not so sure. My actions lead me to believe that I am in need of a good whoopin'. If I truly feared God, wouldn't I fearfully submit to Him in all I do? Wouldn't I be afraid to sin against Him? Sometimes I actually catch myself thinking... He will forgive me. It's just a little act of sin, just a small form of rebellion, just a slight mistrust. UGGG! Is anyone else there with me? Is anyone else feeling as if they have bought into the "Loving God" a bit too much somewhere along the way? Feeling like their Faith has been shaken a bit by the ideal god that the world so desires? Yes, God is Love... this is true, but He is also Unchanging, All powerful, Undefileable, Just, Jealous, Gracious, All-Knowing, All-Seeing, Sovereign, Holy, and Self-Sufficient... just to name a few. So why am I so quick to rely on the Loving attributes? "...fear the LORD your God as long as you live by keeping all his decrees and commands that I give you, and so that you may enjoy long life." Deut 6:2b I want long life... I want that FEAR! Where is it hiding and why? "And now, O Israel, what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to observe the LORD's commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good?" Deut 10:12-13. I want to serve God with all my heart and soul, but I know I can't unless I truly fear Him. Why am I not able to read the stories of God's wrath and know that He is to be feared... Why is it that I know he is the giver and taker of life... and yet I fear man more than Him? WHY?! I NEED to fear God so desperately. I WANT to fear God. I NEED prayer for this. I NEED the Holy Spirit to do a mighty work in my heart and strike fear into the depths on my being... to change me, to grow me, to conform me. I NEED. What about you?

Build up or tear down?

"The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish pulls it down with her hands." Proverbs 14:1. I was listening to a sermon today on the topic of the proverbial wife. I was rather humbled by some of the topics covered, but this one verse tugged at the heart strings. I know that the past month I have been bitter an resistant to adjustment here in South Korea. I was not as joyfilled as I should have been, that I was able to serve God in a new and exciting country.So many things to experience... I just couldn't see past my self pity.
I have been in prayer lately over this lack of Joy. I have been asking the Lord to fill me with His Joy through the Holy Spirit who endwells me. I have seen results, and so has Taylor! It was not until I saw the joy in Taylors reaction to this change, that I recognized the pain I had been causing to him prior. I was tearing him down through my behavior and mood. He was not able to lean on me for comfort as I was always turning to him with a downhearted attitude. I was foolishly tearing down our house.
I want to be a wife who exhorts my husband. Who helps my husband. Who brings him glory. Who loves him and does him good and not evil all the days of my life. I want to be the wife God has intend for him... a prudent, gently, quiet, kind, and submissive wife. It may not always be easy, but I can find strength in the Lord. I must. I want a marriage that lasts, a home with a firm foundation, and a loving nature that honors God. Please pray for me as I continue to conform to the image of God, as I strive to imitate Christ in my daily life, and as I demonstrate His Love in my relationship with Taylor. thank you.
LL
Sermon that stirred...