Still the same, but different.

My father-in-law is THE human calendar. You say a date, and he pretty much has a story from one of the many years past.
I am this way to a fault. There are dates that stick out in my memory. Holidays, anniversaries, various special moments, and birthdays. I am probably best with birthdays. That is why today, June 2, was a hard day. It was a birthday that I remember fondly. A birthday that I tried oh so hard to not think about... but when you think about not thinking about something too hard, you can ONLY think about that one something that you are trying not to think about.
Today is Owen's birthday. He would have turned three. I would have made him his favorite flavored cake and his favorite meal and COrin and I would have made him a birthday poster last night. We would have skipped the ministry group meeting and gathered with family to celebrate.
Instead, we all avoid the topic. We avoid the awkward conversation of what ifs and shoulda-coulda-wouldas. It is easier that way. On our hearts, on our eyes.
Yesterday, my thoughts went something like this:
"I think about the woman I was three years ago and pity her. I pity her not only because she had no clue that her worst nightmare would become her worst memory, but also because she was so naive. So young in her faith, that she could not have known how immensely God would be using this little baby she now held to impact and shape her for eternal purposes. Three years seems like such a short time in retrospect, but I hardly recognized myself the other day in comparing the woman in the mirror with the woman in the picture holding little baby Owen. Now I do not say this to brag on my own part, because I really had NOTHING to do with the change that has occurred. I am still the selfish sinner I was before, but with greater understanding. Greater thirst, to know the One who has changed me daily through the trials fit for me."

And my thoughts today.......
... here I am, different, yet still the same. Still the same, yet different. I learned the hard way that things of this world are temporary. That life is a gift. I held my little boys so tightly. I loved my family whole heartedly. A piece of my heart died with Owen. I feel so strange. I feel like I have a hard time letting my guard down now and loving without restraint, even when it comes to my family. I build walls, I build barriers. SO have I really grown? Have I really changed? I have, but I also allowed Satan to work in my weakness and in my blindspots. The places I was not prayerful about, yep, Satan took full advantage. He snuck in and settled. I had no clue. I was naive. So three years later, I am still a naive believer... different, but still the same. Still the same, but different.
LL