Friday, June 27, 2014

My filthy hiding place.

I stare at the floor. The room around me buzzing with the sound of scurrying feet and screaming voices. The boys are chasing one another again as I sit here in the rocking chair, rocking Lena. I have three kids. Well, three living kids.

My heart aches as I think there should be another little skittering set of feet in that game of chase. But then, my heart constantly aches these days. I find myself in this same blur of inactivity... just staring. I am empty. I feel there is no stirring in this heart of mine other than pangs of remembrance and pangs of recognition. Remembrance of Owen. Recognition of this void in my faithfulness. Where has my joy gone? Yes, I find joy in my family at times, but it is incomplete. It feels lacking. It is not the full joy intended by the One who gave me this family, this life. Yet... I know why this joy is lackluster. I know how to wipe away the blurry film that is clouding my vision. I just don't.

Why is it when I need God most (which by the way is always) I try to fend for myself before going to my Father for help? (Which by the way is ALWAYS) I have relied upon myself for far too long now and have in essence dug a hole that goes deep. It is dark in this hole. It is dark, damp and lonely. In a house full of kids who want nothing more than my undivided attention, I feel alone and unnecessary. I feel undesirable. I feel empty. I feel... but nothing I want to feel.

My head (AKA sinful flesh) plays tricks on me. "Lindsey, you don't need God. Just put on some upbeat music, have a cup of coffee, and spend a little time chatting online... THEN, you will feel better." Yes, head, you're right. I feel better... thanks. And then I stop doing those things and go back to that dark hole. I keep digging, with a dull spoon, through the hard stone and firmly packed clay. It is hard work, tiring work, unnecessary work. What is my goal? Where am I digging to? Wait. Don't I want to be going the other direction? My mind tells me no. My heart tells me yes... my mind usually wins.

I am a very logical person by nature. If you have ever come to me with a problem, I am very practical in the suggestions for resolving the matter. I like tangible things. I like to see results. I am not patient... Taylor can attest to this. I am the polar opposite of patient. There is something very gratifying in fixing things or finding a clever solution. It plays a beautiful melody to my prideful heart, and I am pretty sure this is the very reason I love creating things. Whether it is sewing, crocheting, cooking... you name it, if it is creating a useful product... I love it. Too much. It also make me feel as though I have power or control over the situation when I can fix it.

Here enlies my "hole." My mind is telling me to just keep trying solutions, bandaids if you will, for the way I am feeling. My heart tells me to cry out to God, but my mind continues to remind that prideful heart how good it feels to be the author of the solution. My pride has gone before my fall... and boy did I fall hard and deep. I can only see the Sonlight ever so often. The walls of my hole are pretty high above my head and block out most of the Light. These prideful walls that were created by my own hands. I don't feel very accomplished in this creation. I certainly didn't want to take a picture of these walls and post them on Facebook to brag about. Not like my other outward creations. But then, a picture wouldn't come close to showing the deep pains. The aching, longing, and yet reckless disregard. I know Who can fill this hole. I know Who can remove this prideful heart and nonsensical mind. I know. I just don't act. so... I sit. I this damp, dark, lonely hole. I have forgotten how to ask for help. I have forgotten to call out to those in the Light up there on solid ground. I have hit the shifting sands under the top layers of this earth and am along for the ride... I want out. I NEED out. I need help. Please pray for me. That the Light would reach me, warm me... and that I would remember how to truly seek out that help I so desperately need now.

I want to bury my sorrows and downtrodden feelings in that hole... not reside with them in it.

Lord, I know you hear me from this dark place I have created. I am alone... and longing for your warmth. I ask, Lord, that you would renew my joy. I am at a loss of words. You know my heart. You know my deepest darkest hours, thoughts, fears... You and You alone know how to minister to this heart of mine. So please, Lord, forgive me of my sins. Forgive me of my disregard and ignorance. Forgive me, O God the Father, and replace my sorrows with Joy. Replace my longing with Fulfillment. Replace my my wrongful thinking with Your thoughts, Your loving embrace is all I desire. Please, Lord, please create the change I can not. I can do nothing apart from you, Lord. I thank you for that, and ask all these things in Jesus' holy name. Amen.

LL

1 comment:

Pilgrim said...

Oh, Lindsey. This is the ache of the honest. This is the ache of mothers, regardless of the deep struggle of loss. This is the ache of those of us who are practical as we empty ourselves for others, giving up all of our selves, time, bodies, sleep (!), sanity. Our children count as others. Thus, emptied, we desire to be full of the Intangible God, the Unseeable Love, the Savior of untouchable souls. We desire this filling, but know not how to (practically) attain it. So, we often guilt ourselves into thinking we're not spiritual, we're not feeling or feeling too much of the wrong thing (oh, and what happened to "quiet time"?). You are doing more right than you think. You are the most tangible practical image of Christ to your children. Your service to them will almost always go unnoticed for another ten years at least, but it is shaping them to love God and serve others. It is. If the only overtly "spiritual" thing you squeak in during the day is praying at mealtimes, you have TAUGHT YOUR CHILDREN TO CALL UPON THE LORD MORNING AND NIGHT. You have taught them the principle of Psalmody.

Psalm 91, He shelters you under the shadow of His wings. He gives His angels charge over you to guard you in all your ways. You don't have to cling, you don't have to search out His Presence. You're in It. He has claimed you, sustains you, draws you, guards you. These are true, hear them.