Long Time, No See

This weekend I was blessed with a visit from a very near and dear friend. We often get mistaken for sisters as we are built similarly, have the same curly hair, and we even mother our kids very similarly. It is a unique friendship. A friendship that now spans three generations. Our moms are great friends, we are great friends, our kids are great friends... well okay, Hank may not have won over any hearts this weekend with his rough and tumble ways, but give it a year or two. :)
I have known this sweet "sister" since high school. She actually was my "big sis" on drill team, and IS my sister in Christ, so the term is both entertaining and truthful. We joke about our 6 year olds one day being married to further solidify the bond between our families, but it wouldn't be necessary. She is in my heart always. I'll refer to her as K.
While spending time with my "sister," we had a very deeply needed conversation. I have been struggling with many unearthed emotions lately and yet, they have a way of uncontrollably leaving my lips when this cherished sister is near. I have no guard up with her. K has such a tender heart. She so patiently listened while I spewed out all my complaints, worries and frustrations.
I have been in a dry spell since moving back from Korea. I feel as though the rug was pulled out from under me when we got home. The church I thought we'd attend... we don't attend. The people I thought I'd spend the most time with... I hardly ever see. The place I thought we'd be living... we abandoned after only a few months. It was hard. I had a very difficult time being content with my lack of familiarity and simply adjusting to change. Change. Something that is constant... yet I CONSTANTLY have such opposition towards change. It makes for a very unhappy person when you cannot roll with the punches. I am a very unhappy person lately.
In talking with K, I described my difficulties in building relationships. How when I reach out to someone, that door seems to be slammed in my face. Either the other person is not motivated to pursue the friendship, they move away, or life is just too busy. In any case, my feelings have been hurt many a time these past couple of years as I try to build up a base of believing friends. It didn't dawn on me until the words came out of my mouth while talking to K, that perhaps God was pushing these "friendships" away from me so I would learn to rely on Him first and foremost for contentment, acceptance, and companionship. Two years. Two long, lonely years. I have struggled to feel accepted, to feel like I belong. All this time, God was trying to tell me I DON"T belong. This world is not what I should be chasing. These relationships are not what I should prioritize ahead of my most important relationship. The only relationship that will last through eternity and will not fade or pass with the passing of this world. The one relationship I was NOT pursuing.
There, I said it. I have been chasing selfish desires, but hose desires were not for the Lord. I had so quickly forgotten Who gives and Who takes. Who builds up and Who tears down. I had forgotten Who had made me to desire fellowship. I had forgotten. And so I pursued temporary joys again. And rooted my happiness in my present situation rather than in my eternal blessing and salvation. I was slowly sinking in my own selfish sorrows.
While K and I were talking, something she said stuck out to me. She said 'Here I was thinking I had mastered my emotions and that I was at peace, but the very next day, someone would talk about my struggle... or share their joy... and I would think "God, I really didn't learn my lesson, did I."' That was a scary thought for me.
Have I learned my lesson, God? I don;t think God always punishes us to teach us. In fact, many times answered prayers have brought me to tears as I reflect on just how intricately God had to orchestrate life for that to come about. I also think "punish" is not really a word we should ever use when talking about how God treats his children. He disciplines us, restores us, rebuilds us and reveals to us that our ways are so different from His. I KNOW the loss of Owen was not a punishment. But it is by far one of the biggest events in my life in which He has changed me.
Owen passed away at about 7 weeks old. Lena is almost 7 weeks old. It just hit home when K asked "Did I learn my lesson?"
Did I listen? Truly listen to what God is or was trying to teach me? Am I really changed?
I don't usually fear that God will take Lena to be with Him as He did for Owen, but I DO think about whether his death was in vain or not.
Was Owen's death in vain? No. Just the other day, a friend told me she was forever transformed by Owen's life and death. So maybe I was asking the wrong question... I was. But I was on the right track... it wasn't Owen's death that I was treating half-hazardly. It was Christ's. I was forgetting what Christ had done for me. How that impacted every moment of my life. Every relationship, every everything. I change nothing. I master nothing.
Here I was thinking that it was within my power to master my emotions and yet I was a hot mess. I thought I could create friendships, and yet I had essentially harvested only a very few.

Jeremiah 17:5 says "Cursed is one man who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord."

I DO feel cursed, but it was self-inflicted. I place the blame nowhere else. I place the healing that needs to happen only in one place... the feet of Jesus.