More and more memories flood my mind as Owen's birthday approaches. Most of which are not of joy, but of sorrow. I find myself giving into the temptation to wonder...wonder what he might look like now. What his first words would have been. How he and Corin would be getting along... or not. There are many things I wonder about, but I then am reminded that he is enjoying the best celebration to ever be had. That Owen is smiling and cooing in the presence of his Heavenly Father. If nothing else, this one thought brings me joy as Owen's birthday draws closer and closer. That joy is merely a thread though for now... as I still feel an empty hole at the core of my heart. I still feel a longing for him to be in MY presence, in MY arms, in MY day to day life. I miss what could have been and what was. As Taylor and I talk about more children, I can't help but wonder if I will somehow struggle with felling as though I am "replacing" Owen. I have yet to hold a baby and wish them to be my own, but I am afraid of that feeling creeping in once we have our own. I am especially fearful for this if we were to have another boy. I wish I could convey my thoughts more clearly... but words can only do so much.
As of late, I have been struggling in my walk with the Lord. I have been through the gamit of questions, doubts and fears. I have been reliant upon myself to answer these questions and not looking to my Savior. But I am lacking the motivation to seek Him, to Trust Him to do good through my "misfortunes." As I learn to be content in the home here, where there are no daytime companions, I struggle to turn to the Lord for that comfort and companionship. I find other activities that consume my time... be it cooking or watching movies or even cleaning. It seems I have so many "distractions" that prevent me from reading God's word and praying more often. Please pray that I would be stirred. Pray that I would have peace during this season as I remember a son loved and lost. Pray that I would be able to connect with my Lord through this in that He has suffered a similar loss once too. Please pray that my actions would represent Christ to Corin and those around me, and that I would be reminded of this as I make my choices throughout the day. Thank you in advance for your prayers. I feel a little lonely here at times, but I know I am not alone...
LL
The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. ~Deuteronomy 31:8
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