Sometimes, when completely alone, I sing songs about whatever my mind wanders to. Today... my lyrics turned to a question I am sure many people ask at some point in their lives. "What if we knew our future?" What if we could know our mistakes ahead of time and try to avoid them, but then that is assuming we can avoid them. If there is no God... maybe we could avoid them, but how? And if there is no God, then how would we have a future that could be told to us? Who would have planned it out and devised our lives' stories? How could we change the script if there is no writer?
If there IS a God, then wouldn't he already know that we would ask to change our lives? And knowing we would ask, would He not already change them? If no one ever died and no one ever sinned, what would the world really look like? If you were a mother to a child you had out of wed-lock, would you really want that child to be non-existant? If you grew deeper in your relationship with God when you lost one you loved, would you trade that for their life back? I am not saying I wouldn't change some of the things I did, but I am saying that I don't know which ones I would. I have grown in my relationship with my Heavenly Father... which by the way, THERE IS A GOD!... and that deeper knowledge of God and His mercy, in times of falling short of His glory, has made me able to better understand why some things happen in life and how I can USE those moments to improve myself for HIS glory. Why? Because... THAT is my purpose.
~ Therefore, since we have been declared righteous by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in the hope of God’s glory. Not only this, but we also rejoice in sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance, character, and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly ~Romans 5:1-6
Bearing in mind that I am no poet... This is what came of my thoughts this morning.
It’s best we not know, leave our future untold.
God is much wiser, let His wisdom unfold.
What if you knew you were destined for Hell,
Would you attempt to raise it here, on Earth as well?
Knowing Heaven was for you from the start,
Would wisdom or folly be what you impart?
Knowing no sin could ever separate you,
Would you sin all day long, or be faithful and true?
What if ALL your sins were revealed,
The pressure there would be, to try and appeal.
But God’s plans are firm and made far in advance,
He’d already know you’d ask Him, given the chance.
Would you talk to God about sorrows and grief,
Or knowing He planned them, would there be no relief?
If knowing the time and the day,
Would you live for just YOU until passing away?
If I knew what God knew I would hold it in too,
I’d leave it a mystery until the time it came true.
Just knowing some things were destined to come,
I’d be bitter, broken, worn out and undone.
There would never be Joy or Peace in our hearts,
As we dealt with the burden, of playing our parts.
But life has a script that we will not read…
For that I am THANKFUL, thankful indeed.
In Christ,
LL
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Stepping Heavenward
I just finished reading Stepping Heavenward by Prentiss. I am in love with this book. I must say that the author quite literally woke me up from my doom and gloom of a mood that has held me down as of late. I am very thankful for the way God uses each of us and the talents which He so graciously bestows upon us! I only wish I could be a write one day and inspire women with the words God chose to place in my heart. Perhaps one day. For now, I will settle for this book, which I know will be re-read and recommended over and over. I highly encourage a read or re-read on your behalf as well! Let the Lord lift you and encourage you in your own sanctification process!
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Dry spell...
It has been a few months since my last post. I must admit that I credit this dry spell to that which left my spiritual life in drought as well. I have been very distant from God this summer as I placed other "idols" in His place. I have been so selfish and undeserving of the Love which I was still graciously bestowed... despite my lack of returned effections toward Him. While I did not earnestly seek Him, he has stirred me up and shown me areas in which I need to constantly repent and allow HIM to do the work. I have been relying on my own strength and power to defeat the sin, and not suprisingly... I have failed. How proud I am. How foolish to think that I, a mere creation of the Creator, could possibly conquer a sin that so viciously sent our Savior to His grave.
I finally had the courage to let my pride go and relenquish my sins to God. My temper and anger have been the main root of sin bearing rotten fruit in my life. It has been the rotten fruit that I have fed to my husband and son. I am ashamed to say so, but I must admit it to you as well as my God if I am to be held accountable. (Not to mention, I am covetous of your prayers in this area.) I am determined to allow GOD to sanctify me through my sin and that I would not try, hard as it is to sit back and wait, to create that clean heart on my own accord. I am very saddened to think that I fall into this trap over and over. I stand strong in Him for a little while and inevitably fall into thinking I could do it faster and more efficiently. Once I start falling into this web of thoughts, I soon become entrapt and begin trying even harder to fix myself in ALL areas. All of this usually results in an emotional and physical breakdown, or outburst, or EXPLOSION! *Sigh*
I KNOW that only my Savior can cleanse me. That He asks very little on my part. Trust and Obey. That's all. Trust and Obey. It is clear to me that he has called me to obey his commandments, specifically in regards to anger as of late. He has drawn me to scriptures that convict and encourage me in this area. I am such a wavering sinner, but I do TRUST in the finished work my Savior has done, and TRUST in the work He is yet completing in me this day! Praise the Lord Almighty for never leaving, no forasking us in our times of need... even if they are not times of want. (for Him that is) I NEED Jesus in my life. I NEED Jesus in my heart, so that He can be the overpour that comes from my mouth. That the words on my tongue would be kind and loving towards not only my husband and son, not only to any that surround me and come into contact with me, but to myself as well. That I could love myself as Christ does and not have such negative, self-degrationg thoughts. That I could joyfully serve my Savior with NO doubt of His love towards each and every being He has created.
So as I wait... as I trust and obey... as I seek Him knowing I am constantly being sanctified... as I confess and repent of my sins... and as I serve Him... I hope you will join me in praying for HIS glory to shine through and that there would constantly be less of my sinful heart exposed, yet more and more of HIS heart coming to the surface!
LL
Psalm 115
1 Not to us, O LORD, not to us
but to your name be the glory,
because of your love and faithfulness.
2 Why do the nations say,
"Where is their God?"
3 Our God is in heaven;
he does whatever pleases him.
4 But their idols are silver and gold,
made by the hands of men.
5 They have mouths, but cannot speak,
eyes, but they cannot see;
6 they have ears, but cannot hear,
noses, but they cannot smell;
7 they have hands, but cannot feel,
feet, but they cannot walk;
nor can they utter a sound with their throats.
8 Those who make them will be like them,
and so will all who trust in them.
9 O house of Israel, trust in the LORD—
he is their help and shield.
10 O house of Aaron, trust in the LORD—
he is their help and shield.
11 You who fear him, trust in the LORD—
he is their help and shield.
12 The LORD remembers us and will bless us:
He will bless the house of Israel,
he will bless the house of Aaron,
13 he will bless those who fear the LORD—
small and great alike.
14 May the LORD make you increase,
both you and your children.
15 May you be blessed by the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
16 The highest heavens belong to the LORD,
but the earth he has given to man.
17 It is not the dead who praise the LORD,
those who go down to silence;
18 it is we who extol the LORD,
both now and forevermore.
Praise the LORD. [b]
I finally had the courage to let my pride go and relenquish my sins to God. My temper and anger have been the main root of sin bearing rotten fruit in my life. It has been the rotten fruit that I have fed to my husband and son. I am ashamed to say so, but I must admit it to you as well as my God if I am to be held accountable. (Not to mention, I am covetous of your prayers in this area.) I am determined to allow GOD to sanctify me through my sin and that I would not try, hard as it is to sit back and wait, to create that clean heart on my own accord. I am very saddened to think that I fall into this trap over and over. I stand strong in Him for a little while and inevitably fall into thinking I could do it faster and more efficiently. Once I start falling into this web of thoughts, I soon become entrapt and begin trying even harder to fix myself in ALL areas. All of this usually results in an emotional and physical breakdown, or outburst, or EXPLOSION! *Sigh*
I KNOW that only my Savior can cleanse me. That He asks very little on my part. Trust and Obey. That's all. Trust and Obey. It is clear to me that he has called me to obey his commandments, specifically in regards to anger as of late. He has drawn me to scriptures that convict and encourage me in this area. I am such a wavering sinner, but I do TRUST in the finished work my Savior has done, and TRUST in the work He is yet completing in me this day! Praise the Lord Almighty for never leaving, no forasking us in our times of need... even if they are not times of want. (for Him that is) I NEED Jesus in my life. I NEED Jesus in my heart, so that He can be the overpour that comes from my mouth. That the words on my tongue would be kind and loving towards not only my husband and son, not only to any that surround me and come into contact with me, but to myself as well. That I could love myself as Christ does and not have such negative, self-degrationg thoughts. That I could joyfully serve my Savior with NO doubt of His love towards each and every being He has created.
So as I wait... as I trust and obey... as I seek Him knowing I am constantly being sanctified... as I confess and repent of my sins... and as I serve Him... I hope you will join me in praying for HIS glory to shine through and that there would constantly be less of my sinful heart exposed, yet more and more of HIS heart coming to the surface!
LL
Psalm 115
1 Not to us, O LORD, not to us
but to your name be the glory,
because of your love and faithfulness.
2 Why do the nations say,
"Where is their God?"
3 Our God is in heaven;
he does whatever pleases him.
4 But their idols are silver and gold,
made by the hands of men.
5 They have mouths, but cannot speak,
eyes, but they cannot see;
6 they have ears, but cannot hear,
noses, but they cannot smell;
7 they have hands, but cannot feel,
feet, but they cannot walk;
nor can they utter a sound with their throats.
8 Those who make them will be like them,
and so will all who trust in them.
9 O house of Israel, trust in the LORD—
he is their help and shield.
10 O house of Aaron, trust in the LORD—
he is their help and shield.
11 You who fear him, trust in the LORD—
he is their help and shield.
12 The LORD remembers us and will bless us:
He will bless the house of Israel,
he will bless the house of Aaron,
13 he will bless those who fear the LORD—
small and great alike.
14 May the LORD make you increase,
both you and your children.
15 May you be blessed by the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
16 The highest heavens belong to the LORD,
but the earth he has given to man.
17 It is not the dead who praise the LORD,
those who go down to silence;
18 it is we who extol the LORD,
both now and forevermore.
Praise the LORD. [b]
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Homesick.
Getting a little homesick here...
Taylor and I are both starting to really miss those we left back home as we move into our 4th month in Korea. While we are finally settling into our new house, it has yet to feel like home. I know the old saying "home is where the heart is," but I think it is easier said than done to love a new place and new people in such a short amount of time. We have been making new friends here, but its not the same. It is hard starting over and having to divulge all the details of your live over and over again as you grow new friendships. It is hard having to lay it all out there and hope for the best, when you know in the back of your mind that back home, your friends already know your heart, your past, your flaws...
I miss having accountability partners. The most awkward thing about developing new friendships is trying to figure out how they will take loving discipline. I need for those around me to call me out on my sins and hold me accountable to my goals... but it seems like new relationships are not the place for that to happen. Everyone is afraid the friendship will fall apart before it is even brought together if they call one another out in their sin. Of course this is to be done in a loving way, but what does the other person consider a loving way? Geeesh... so many things you have to learn about one anothers' character.
It makes me think of my relationship with the Lord in some ways. It is hard to know you are sinning sometimes unless you take the time to get to know God's character and read his words. Unless you make the effort to spend time with your Savior, you will never know how to Love Him the way He desires us to. You will never form the relationship you so desire yourself and in turn, you can not conform to His image. I suppose we all want things to just "happen." To have new best friends instantly when we are lonely, or to be conformed to the image of Christ in one day! (For me, the latter is definitely true...) But in the end, it is all worth the effort and worth the lessons learned through our mistakes in those efforts.
Just thinking out loud today... just coveting your prayers for us as the homesickness comes in waves. Just waiting for the Lord to return and take us to the home I truely long for...
Homesick for Heaven,
LL
Taylor and I are both starting to really miss those we left back home as we move into our 4th month in Korea. While we are finally settling into our new house, it has yet to feel like home. I know the old saying "home is where the heart is," but I think it is easier said than done to love a new place and new people in such a short amount of time. We have been making new friends here, but its not the same. It is hard starting over and having to divulge all the details of your live over and over again as you grow new friendships. It is hard having to lay it all out there and hope for the best, when you know in the back of your mind that back home, your friends already know your heart, your past, your flaws...
I miss having accountability partners. The most awkward thing about developing new friendships is trying to figure out how they will take loving discipline. I need for those around me to call me out on my sins and hold me accountable to my goals... but it seems like new relationships are not the place for that to happen. Everyone is afraid the friendship will fall apart before it is even brought together if they call one another out in their sin. Of course this is to be done in a loving way, but what does the other person consider a loving way? Geeesh... so many things you have to learn about one anothers' character.
It makes me think of my relationship with the Lord in some ways. It is hard to know you are sinning sometimes unless you take the time to get to know God's character and read his words. Unless you make the effort to spend time with your Savior, you will never know how to Love Him the way He desires us to. You will never form the relationship you so desire yourself and in turn, you can not conform to His image. I suppose we all want things to just "happen." To have new best friends instantly when we are lonely, or to be conformed to the image of Christ in one day! (For me, the latter is definitely true...) But in the end, it is all worth the effort and worth the lessons learned through our mistakes in those efforts.
Just thinking out loud today... just coveting your prayers for us as the homesickness comes in waves. Just waiting for the Lord to return and take us to the home I truely long for...
Homesick for Heaven,
LL
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Such sweet sorrow...
More and more memories flood my mind as Owen's birthday approaches. Most of which are not of joy, but of sorrow. I find myself giving into the temptation to wonder...wonder what he might look like now. What his first words would have been. How he and Corin would be getting along... or not. There are many things I wonder about, but I then am reminded that he is enjoying the best celebration to ever be had. That Owen is smiling and cooing in the presence of his Heavenly Father. If nothing else, this one thought brings me joy as Owen's birthday draws closer and closer. That joy is merely a thread though for now... as I still feel an empty hole at the core of my heart. I still feel a longing for him to be in MY presence, in MY arms, in MY day to day life. I miss what could have been and what was. As Taylor and I talk about more children, I can't help but wonder if I will somehow struggle with felling as though I am "replacing" Owen. I have yet to hold a baby and wish them to be my own, but I am afraid of that feeling creeping in once we have our own. I am especially fearful for this if we were to have another boy. I wish I could convey my thoughts more clearly... but words can only do so much.
As of late, I have been struggling in my walk with the Lord. I have been through the gamit of questions, doubts and fears. I have been reliant upon myself to answer these questions and not looking to my Savior. But I am lacking the motivation to seek Him, to Trust Him to do good through my "misfortunes." As I learn to be content in the home here, where there are no daytime companions, I struggle to turn to the Lord for that comfort and companionship. I find other activities that consume my time... be it cooking or watching movies or even cleaning. It seems I have so many "distractions" that prevent me from reading God's word and praying more often. Please pray that I would be stirred. Pray that I would have peace during this season as I remember a son loved and lost. Pray that I would be able to connect with my Lord through this in that He has suffered a similar loss once too. Please pray that my actions would represent Christ to Corin and those around me, and that I would be reminded of this as I make my choices throughout the day. Thank you in advance for your prayers. I feel a little lonely here at times, but I know I am not alone...
LL
The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. ~Deuteronomy 31:8
As of late, I have been struggling in my walk with the Lord. I have been through the gamit of questions, doubts and fears. I have been reliant upon myself to answer these questions and not looking to my Savior. But I am lacking the motivation to seek Him, to Trust Him to do good through my "misfortunes." As I learn to be content in the home here, where there are no daytime companions, I struggle to turn to the Lord for that comfort and companionship. I find other activities that consume my time... be it cooking or watching movies or even cleaning. It seems I have so many "distractions" that prevent me from reading God's word and praying more often. Please pray that I would be stirred. Pray that I would have peace during this season as I remember a son loved and lost. Pray that I would be able to connect with my Lord through this in that He has suffered a similar loss once too. Please pray that my actions would represent Christ to Corin and those around me, and that I would be reminded of this as I make my choices throughout the day. Thank you in advance for your prayers. I feel a little lonely here at times, but I know I am not alone...
LL
The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. ~Deuteronomy 31:8
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Where is my unwavering Faith?
Knowing that this past year has produced growth... I find myself wondering why I struggle to feel intimately connected with my Heavenly Father? I read His word, I pray often, I strive to implement that which I have read in my daily life... why the distant feeling? Where is my unwavering Faith that reaffirms all I believe to be Truth? Am I missing a step?
I have realized lately that I am not so certain I know true Fear. Do I really fear the Lord our God? I mean TRULY fear Him? I am not so sure. My actions lead me to believe that I am in need of a good whoopin'. If I truly feared God, wouldn't I fearfully submit to Him in all I do? Wouldn't I be afraid to sin against Him? Sometimes I actually catch myself thinking... He will forgive me. It's just a little act of sin, just a small form of rebellion, just a slight mistrust. UGGG! Is anyone else there with me? Is anyone else feeling as if they have bought into the "Loving God" a bit too much somewhere along the way? Feeling like their Faith has been shaken a bit by the ideal god that the world so desires? Yes, God is Love... this is true, but He is also Unchanging, All powerful, Undefileable, Just, Jealous, Gracious, All-Knowing, All-Seeing, Sovereign, Holy, and Self-Sufficient... just to name a few. So why am I so quick to rely on the Loving attributes? "...fear the LORD your God as long as you live by keeping all his decrees and commands that I give you, and so that you may enjoy long life." Deut 6:2b I want long life... I want that FEAR! Where is it hiding and why? "And now, O Israel, what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to observe the LORD's commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good?" Deut 10:12-13. I want to serve God with all my heart and soul, but I know I can't unless I truly fear Him. Why am I not able to read the stories of God's wrath and know that He is to be feared... Why is it that I know he is the giver and taker of life... and yet I fear man more than Him? WHY?! I NEED to fear God so desperately. I WANT to fear God. I NEED prayer for this. I NEED the Holy Spirit to do a mighty work in my heart and strike fear into the depths on my being... to change me, to grow me, to conform me. I NEED. What about you?
I have realized lately that I am not so certain I know true Fear. Do I really fear the Lord our God? I mean TRULY fear Him? I am not so sure. My actions lead me to believe that I am in need of a good whoopin'. If I truly feared God, wouldn't I fearfully submit to Him in all I do? Wouldn't I be afraid to sin against Him? Sometimes I actually catch myself thinking... He will forgive me. It's just a little act of sin, just a small form of rebellion, just a slight mistrust. UGGG! Is anyone else there with me? Is anyone else feeling as if they have bought into the "Loving God" a bit too much somewhere along the way? Feeling like their Faith has been shaken a bit by the ideal god that the world so desires? Yes, God is Love... this is true, but He is also Unchanging, All powerful, Undefileable, Just, Jealous, Gracious, All-Knowing, All-Seeing, Sovereign, Holy, and Self-Sufficient... just to name a few. So why am I so quick to rely on the Loving attributes? "...fear the LORD your God as long as you live by keeping all his decrees and commands that I give you, and so that you may enjoy long life." Deut 6:2b I want long life... I want that FEAR! Where is it hiding and why? "And now, O Israel, what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to observe the LORD's commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good?" Deut 10:12-13. I want to serve God with all my heart and soul, but I know I can't unless I truly fear Him. Why am I not able to read the stories of God's wrath and know that He is to be feared... Why is it that I know he is the giver and taker of life... and yet I fear man more than Him? WHY?! I NEED to fear God so desperately. I WANT to fear God. I NEED prayer for this. I NEED the Holy Spirit to do a mighty work in my heart and strike fear into the depths on my being... to change me, to grow me, to conform me. I NEED. What about you?
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Build up or tear down?
"The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish pulls it down with her hands." Proverbs 14:1. I was listening to a sermon today on the topic of the proverbial wife. I was rather humbled by some of the topics covered, but this one verse tugged at the heart strings. I know that the past month I have been bitter an resistant to adjustment here in South Korea. I was not as joyfilled as I should have been, that I was able to serve God in a new and exciting country.So many things to experience... I just couldn't see past my self pity.
I have been in prayer lately over this lack of Joy. I have been asking the Lord to fill me with His Joy through the Holy Spirit who endwells me. I have seen results, and so has Taylor! It was not until I saw the joy in Taylors reaction to this change, that I recognized the pain I had been causing to him prior. I was tearing him down through my behavior and mood. He was not able to lean on me for comfort as I was always turning to him with a downhearted attitude. I was foolishly tearing down our house.
I want to be a wife who exhorts my husband. Who helps my husband. Who brings him glory. Who loves him and does him good and not evil all the days of my life. I want to be the wife God has intend for him... a prudent, gently, quiet, kind, and submissive wife. It may not always be easy, but I can find strength in the Lord. I must. I want a marriage that lasts, a home with a firm foundation, and a loving nature that honors God. Please pray for me as I continue to conform to the image of God, as I strive to imitate Christ in my daily life, and as I demonstrate His Love in my relationship with Taylor. thank you.
LL
Sermon that stirred...
I have been in prayer lately over this lack of Joy. I have been asking the Lord to fill me with His Joy through the Holy Spirit who endwells me. I have seen results, and so has Taylor! It was not until I saw the joy in Taylors reaction to this change, that I recognized the pain I had been causing to him prior. I was tearing him down through my behavior and mood. He was not able to lean on me for comfort as I was always turning to him with a downhearted attitude. I was foolishly tearing down our house.
I want to be a wife who exhorts my husband. Who helps my husband. Who brings him glory. Who loves him and does him good and not evil all the days of my life. I want to be the wife God has intend for him... a prudent, gently, quiet, kind, and submissive wife. It may not always be easy, but I can find strength in the Lord. I must. I want a marriage that lasts, a home with a firm foundation, and a loving nature that honors God. Please pray for me as I continue to conform to the image of God, as I strive to imitate Christ in my daily life, and as I demonstrate His Love in my relationship with Taylor. thank you.
LL
Sermon that stirred...
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