Forgiveness

I have been drudging around a heavy laden heart for some time now.
There have been recent events that have stirred up the necessity of forgiveness. Lots of forgiveness. From many different fronts, this need arose. My heart was entangling itself in the lies of the what ifs, the what nows, the why mes. Bitterness spread out its trendils. The threadlike shoots grew in depth and breadth. They took hold of the beats of my heart and began to alter them. The irregularity began to effect every aspect of my functionality. I was faltering daily. I was beginning to extend the pain to those around me in an attempt to release it from myself. It hurt. It was crippling. My relationships began to crumble before my eyes as those trendils of bitterness began to work into the nooks and crevices. The vines began to split open seams and create holes where once there were none. Every day the root of bitterness breached further into my body. Clasping itself around my lungs and making each breath harder and herder to take in. Engulfing my brain, pressing the thoughts Satan so desired me to believe to the forefront. Weighty throngs of vines now draped over my shoulders and broke me, bent me, bowing me down to the filth of the earth. I began to breath in the dust and filth that swirled by my feet. The dust and filth I usually could simply walk over and not feel the effects of it absorbing into my lungs... but now, being broken... I was filtering it all into my body with every breath. I was coughing and choking on the earthly filth that my Strength once protected me from when I was pruning and caring for that heart of mine. How quickly this wicked root of bitterness had taken its toll.
Still. Being broken and breathless, I was still not ready to let go this bitter root. I wanted to use the wrongs that had been done to me and dangle them in the faces of those who'd hurt me. I wanted them to know my pain. I wanted them to suffer the agony I had been living in. I wanted the power to withhold that forgiveness they so longed for. They hurt too. I took joy in that. I took joy in every ounce of hurt. Every stitch of pain. Every twinge of regret. I loved it. I wanted them to feel it exponentially more.
Truthfully, I wanted this writhing fate for only a few of those who had sinned against me. Others I wanted to forgive and move forward with. I wanted reconciliation. I wanted my life back. So I forgave some, and allowed others to continue in their journey of pain.
This is when God did a mighty work.
That person I forgave... possibly the person who sinned most against me... I could no longer feel bitterness towards. I almost wanted to feel it and throw it in their face a time or two... but I couldn't. God had replaced that bitter root with a root of love, compassion, tenderness. It was so strange, and yet refreshing.
But then there was still another, whom I held tight to my bitterness and refused to utter forgiveness in their direction. It was easy to hate them. Easy to have no mercy... until... God showed me something.

One morning, this morning in fact... I am sure no coincidence that it is Thanksgiving morn... God burdened my heart with a thought. "What if I AM using this hurt, this pain, this opportunity to grant you forgiveness? What if I AM using it to show you your lack of trust in TRUE forgiveness?"
I have harbored anger for a long while. Taylor and I have tried to figure out the root of this anger for years. YEARS. Yes. My hidden fault, one of many, is anger. It hit me this morning what exactly that root was.
I have repented and asked for forgives of my sins many times over in anticipation of FORGIVENESS... but I did so without much faith that it was actually given, because... drum roll... I didn't forgive myself. I was allowing others to forgive me, God to forgive me, but I was not letting go of it. I was not forgiving myself. I was holding on to it and using it against myself every time I fell short, every time I gave into sin. Every dang time. I have not loved myself as God has loved me. I have not seen myself as God has seen me. I hated who I was, what I'd done, and was bitter in the wake of the lack of change. I thought I was bitter towards God... but turns out He was on my side. He was willing to Love me when I wouldn't love myself. He tried to show this to me, I just couldn't see. I was blinded by my own self hatred.
In LOVE, He allowed those I trusted to hurt me. in LOVE, He granted me the ability to forgive. In LOVE, He prevented me from taking that hurt and using it against those I'd forgiven. In LOVE, He revealed His will.
Oh Father, how LONG I have wept in and through my pain and anger. How long I have pleaded for change and yet I was so stubborn as to withhold true forgiveness. Forgiveness you freely gave to me each and every time I laid my sins at your feet. God, please allow me to let go of this anger towards myself. Allow me to forgive myself. Allow me to receive Your mercy in my heart towards others and myself. THANK YOU JESUS, for dying for my sins, that I might be forgiven. THANK YOU, for granting me forgiveness, so that I might forgive others, including myself!
Praise Him, all you weary!

Praise Him all you sinners
Sing oh sing you weary
Oh praise Him all you children of God
We lift high His glory
Shown throughout our stories
We praise Him as the children of God

Our Great Redeemer
Glorious Savior
Your name is higher than the rising sun
Light of the morning
You shine forever
Your name is higher than the rising sun
Your name is higher than the rising sun

Praise His name forever
Speak it loud and clear now
Oh praise Him all you children of God

Our Great Redeemer
Glorious Savior
Your name is higher than the rising sun
Light of the morning
You shine forever
Your name is higher than the rising sun
Your name is higher than the rising sun

Hallelujah name above all
Simply to speak Your name is praise
Hallelujah I will always forever
We lift your name in praise
LL