Forgiveness

I have been drudging around a heavy laden heart for some time now.
There have been recent events that have stirred up the necessity of forgiveness. Lots of forgiveness. From many different fronts, this need arose. My heart was entangling itself in the lies of the what ifs, the what nows, the why mes. Bitterness spread out its trendils. The threadlike shoots grew in depth and breadth. They took hold of the beats of my heart and began to alter them. The irregularity began to effect every aspect of my functionality. I was faltering daily. I was beginning to extend the pain to those around me in an attempt to release it from myself. It hurt. It was crippling. My relationships began to crumble before my eyes as those trendils of bitterness began to work into the nooks and crevices. The vines began to split open seams and create holes where once there were none. Every day the root of bitterness breached further into my body. Clasping itself around my lungs and making each breath harder and herder to take in. Engulfing my brain, pressing the thoughts Satan so desired me to believe to the forefront. Weighty throngs of vines now draped over my shoulders and broke me, bent me, bowing me down to the filth of the earth. I began to breath in the dust and filth that swirled by my feet. The dust and filth I usually could simply walk over and not feel the effects of it absorbing into my lungs... but now, being broken... I was filtering it all into my body with every breath. I was coughing and choking on the earthly filth that my Strength once protected me from when I was pruning and caring for that heart of mine. How quickly this wicked root of bitterness had taken its toll.
Still. Being broken and breathless, I was still not ready to let go this bitter root. I wanted to use the wrongs that had been done to me and dangle them in the faces of those who'd hurt me. I wanted them to know my pain. I wanted them to suffer the agony I had been living in. I wanted the power to withhold that forgiveness they so longed for. They hurt too. I took joy in that. I took joy in every ounce of hurt. Every stitch of pain. Every twinge of regret. I loved it. I wanted them to feel it exponentially more.
Truthfully, I wanted this writhing fate for only a few of those who had sinned against me. Others I wanted to forgive and move forward with. I wanted reconciliation. I wanted my life back. So I forgave some, and allowed others to continue in their journey of pain.
This is when God did a mighty work.
That person I forgave... possibly the person who sinned most against me... I could no longer feel bitterness towards. I almost wanted to feel it and throw it in their face a time or two... but I couldn't. God had replaced that bitter root with a root of love, compassion, tenderness. It was so strange, and yet refreshing.
But then there was still another, whom I held tight to my bitterness and refused to utter forgiveness in their direction. It was easy to hate them. Easy to have no mercy... until... God showed me something.

One morning, this morning in fact... I am sure no coincidence that it is Thanksgiving morn... God burdened my heart with a thought. "What if I AM using this hurt, this pain, this opportunity to grant you forgiveness? What if I AM using it to show you your lack of trust in TRUE forgiveness?"
I have harbored anger for a long while. Taylor and I have tried to figure out the root of this anger for years. YEARS. Yes. My hidden fault, one of many, is anger. It hit me this morning what exactly that root was.
I have repented and asked for forgives of my sins many times over in anticipation of FORGIVENESS... but I did so without much faith that it was actually given, because... drum roll... I didn't forgive myself. I was allowing others to forgive me, God to forgive me, but I was not letting go of it. I was not forgiving myself. I was holding on to it and using it against myself every time I fell short, every time I gave into sin. Every dang time. I have not loved myself as God has loved me. I have not seen myself as God has seen me. I hated who I was, what I'd done, and was bitter in the wake of the lack of change. I thought I was bitter towards God... but turns out He was on my side. He was willing to Love me when I wouldn't love myself. He tried to show this to me, I just couldn't see. I was blinded by my own self hatred.
In LOVE, He allowed those I trusted to hurt me. in LOVE, He granted me the ability to forgive. In LOVE, He prevented me from taking that hurt and using it against those I'd forgiven. In LOVE, He revealed His will.
Oh Father, how LONG I have wept in and through my pain and anger. How long I have pleaded for change and yet I was so stubborn as to withhold true forgiveness. Forgiveness you freely gave to me each and every time I laid my sins at your feet. God, please allow me to let go of this anger towards myself. Allow me to forgive myself. Allow me to receive Your mercy in my heart towards others and myself. THANK YOU JESUS, for dying for my sins, that I might be forgiven. THANK YOU, for granting me forgiveness, so that I might forgive others, including myself!
Praise Him, all you weary!

Praise Him all you sinners
Sing oh sing you weary
Oh praise Him all you children of God
We lift high His glory
Shown throughout our stories
We praise Him as the children of God

Our Great Redeemer
Glorious Savior
Your name is higher than the rising sun
Light of the morning
You shine forever
Your name is higher than the rising sun
Your name is higher than the rising sun

Praise His name forever
Speak it loud and clear now
Oh praise Him all you children of God

Our Great Redeemer
Glorious Savior
Your name is higher than the rising sun
Light of the morning
You shine forever
Your name is higher than the rising sun
Your name is higher than the rising sun

Hallelujah name above all
Simply to speak Your name is praise
Hallelujah I will always forever
We lift your name in praise
LL

My Refridgerator lead me to Jesus.

I feel compelled to preface this post by saying that in no way am I desiring to elicit a response of sympathy, charity, or supposition that I resent my husband's income. Because if that is your take away, I will be highly offended and saddened that the glory due to Christ was not given. Taylor and I have willingly placed ourselves in a lifestyle of minimal income. I am not saying it is always easy, or that we both don't want things we can't often afford, but the limited funds has helped us to keep our spending priorities in place and after this past week, has helped to see our Father's loving hand more clearly.



This week has been a testing of my nerves and faith. Hubby and I were down to the last few dollars in our account, and yet we still had a week before payday. What food was in our home would be the food that would feed our family, including school lunches for Corin, for the next week. Yikes. We have done self imposed "no shopping" weeks in attempts to use up freezer and pantry foods, but this was a little different. No more, "Oh, well we really have to have milk, sugar, flour and butter... But then it can be a no shopping week. Oh and some tomatoes for that one dish I was going to make with our surplus of noodles..." nope. What we had was what we would have until it was gone. As a consumer driven society, I think we easily fall into the trap of thinking that whatever we are used to having readily or consistently available to us is a need. But I learned this week, they are not. Meal by meal, we used up the contents of our freezer, pantry, and especially the fridge. "Staples" like flour, sugar, milk, cereal, oatmeal, olive oil, butter... They all left empty containers or spaces in their stead. The experimentation began and to be honest, most of the food I made got good reviews. In utilizing bouillon, spices, legumes and rice, I was even able to vary the ethnicity of our dishes. It was incredibly satisfying to accomplish this... But more than satisfying, it was humbling. I realized my attitude of entitlement quite clearly. I had to forgo outings with friends to conserve gas, use powdered creamer in place of milk in my coffee(gasp), and actually prepare a cooked meal to put in Corin's lunchbox each morning. There was no meat in our diet, but there was an abundance of root vegetables and even fruit "slushies" from our freezer and pantry stashes. Everytime I felt like I couldn't make another complete meal with what we had, the Lord placed a creative thought in my head and I would suddenly have the curious urge to see if I could execute the experimental meal in reality. Not only did He provide inspiration, but physically provided food, through friends who came to visit. Seriously. A pizza dinner, a Mexican buffet, a pumpkin, a can of oats with dried fruit, delicious muffins and even pumpkin butter. I was in awe as I saw the Lord's hand provide day after day, meal after meal. I took a picture of the contents of our fridge and in looking at that picture, I was brought to tears. Not because of what it lacked, but because of what it still had yet to provide. There are still several meals and snacks worth in this fridge, believe it or not... In conjunction with some pantry partners, but still... Several meals and snacks. Awe, people, sheer awe was streaking down my face in salty droplets of joy, adoration, thankfulness, and renewed trust. In Matthew it talks about how God clothes the lilies of the fields and feeds the birds of the sky... How much more would he provide for us?! Oh how RICHLY He does. When we expect that we are owed more than what is truly necessary for life, when we develop a consumer mentality of entitlement, we lose sight of how truly blessed we are. Of how RICHLY AND ABUNDANTLY our Father provides and cares for us. For us, it took a week to whittle down our resources and be exposed to our entitlement issues. How long would your kitchen truly sustain you? No frills, and certainly not food pyramid friendly meals everytime, but sustain and fill you. How long would it take for Jesus to speak your heart through your empty fridge or pantry? How long... How long have I been ungrateful for His overly abundant blessings?
LL

Ain't Seen the Sun Shine

"I hear that train acomin'. It's rollin' 'round the bend. And I ain't seen the sun shine since... I don't know when."
I'm stuck in my own prison, and time keeps draggin' by.
The train, well I am pretty sure it ran me over, caught me by the bootstrap, and continues to drag me down the line.
Kicking and screaming.
Fighting for a grip.
The train is just too strong.
Railroad ties rip my flesh as I am flailing.
am broken.
am bleeding.
Gravel embedded in my tissue.
My eyelids scrape and catch as I try to flush out the sand and grit with my tears.
Fingertips and palms raw as I feel for a stronghold.
my chest throbs from the weeping, wheezing, and longing for relief.
My heart beats irregularly to the rhythm of the clickety clank.
It would be so easy to just give up hope... If I didn't know that Hope existed.
LL

Consuming dark vortex.

There is a constant swirling vortex.
It is varying shades of dark.
The base color varies from season to season, but the darkness remains.
Currently, my vortex is blue.
A color of longing, loneliness, the vast unknown... But it is swirling with whisping strands of darkness.
Strands of pitch black, complete emptiness, entangle themselves in my vortex of emotions.
This vortex, it consumes... It draws in... It funnels all it catches into me.
Inward.
Only inward.
There is no filter, no selectiveness.
My selfish, fleshly desires, stirred up this tornadic need for outward approval, affection, affirmation, acceptance.
Yet the needs of my heart are unmet.
The world cannot provide what my heart longs for.
The vortex only serves to mangle the relationships it becomes intertwined with.
It pulls at the fibers of those relationships, slowly fraying each.
The frays soon become holes.
Empty places where once there were woven strands of beauty and balance.
As I reflect on the blues, blacks, navies and grays swirling before me, I picture the web of a waiting funnel web spider.
She waits in earnest at the base of her funnel, waiting for sustenance to entrap itself in her web.
After devouring the nourishing contents, she disposes of the unconsumed, unusable bits.
At times I feel this way.
At times I allow my primal needs to lead me and guide me, and yet every time... Every time... I end up with these unconsumed bits.
IF my vortex were taking in the right sustenance, The Lord God, then there would be no waste.
No unconsumed bits.
Because what God gives is pure, there is no need for refining, for filtering, for picking around rotten spots.
His gifts are satisfying.
His sustenance meets our needs. Every time.
Every time.
And when His fibers become entangled in my vortex, He does not unravel, rather He weaves us together.
His supply of golden, shining strands of Light are never ceasing.
These golden strands reflect his Light amidst my vortex and the darkness fades and soon disappears.
The blue I once thought seemed lonesome, vast, longing... Now seems to shift into an array of yellows, oranges, reds.
Like a fiery sunset, a swirling of rich, vibrant, glowing colors and light.
The funnel that once tapered in towards my heart, now seems to lessen in its inwards sloping.
It seems to draw in, as well as draw out.
This vortex draws out the dross, the waste, the filth via those Golden Strands.
My needs are no longer unmet.
The vortex slows.
It seems to slow to a calming sculpture of intertwining vines rather than strands.
The Vines that glimmer in my vortex are Vines of Truth.
True Acceptance, True Affirmation, True Affection, True All.
It is Love.
It is True Love.
Love I have been looking for in other places, other ways, in false idols.
These false idols have fed me just enough to keep me hungry.
Just enough to keep me alive, yet longing.
These false idols give me bursts of temporary relief... But they are wavering.
God's Love, God's Provision, God's Relief is constant, there is no wavering in Him...
So why do I turn from Him?
Why do I end up with the inertia of a looming vortex before me?

I think of my inconsistency, my motives, my selfishness, my desire for instant gratification, my desire for control.
All my inward thinking.
All my self righteousness.

"Who among you is wise and understanding? Let him show by his good behavior his deeds in the gentleness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth. This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but which is earthly, natural, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder (vortexes of mass destruction) and every evil thing. But the wisdom from above is first pure, the peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. And the seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace." James 3:13-18


So while a vortex still swirls before my selfish heart... I can see the Golden Vines growing.
IF I focus on those Vines, they will soon become far reaching vines that will choke out the weeds, the strands that entangle my fallen heart.
Oh let it be so, Lord.
That Your peace would be sown in my heart.
That Your righteousness prevail.
Oh let it be so.
In Jesus' holy and perfect name,
Amen.
LL

the veil

We walk through the doors of an uptown store-front. Already, I am at a disadvantage. I feel awkward and out of place in this neighborhood. The name "Uptown" alone evokes feelings of disconnect, inferiority, and discomfort. I assume I have nothing in common with the sort of people you would find in a wine and cheese bar... yet we are here to meet fellow church goers of a new church we have been visiting. I find, upon entrance, that I am on edge. Taylor is by my side, baby in tow, and we are both casually dressed. It is a beautiful store. Wood and brick create the backdrop for walls of wine bottles perfectly placed, shelves of gourmet jams and jarred finger foods, and a well lit deli style refrigerator flaunting its vast array of cheeses. There are a couple tables and severe; stacks of round wooden cheese boxes, but it is a fairly open space. There are several people gathered in small clusters throughout the venue, all of which have stark white name tag stickers plastered to their chests. The man near the door, who for the first few moments we were in the store had his back turned toward us, slowly rotated to face us and welcomed us with both smile and handshake. After introductions, we begin casual conversation about what we do, where we live, our kids. The number one question asked of parents with infants id presented to us... "so, is she sleeping through the night yet?" This of course turns into a reliving of the days when all our children were horrible sleepers and then he says, unbeknownst of our history, "yeah, I remember when my son slept through the night for the first time, and I ran to his room thinking he was dead."
Done. Conversation over. I need wine, NOW.
In a span of five minutes, I went from discomfort, to beginning to enjoy myself, to recalling the worst day of my life. It wasn't his fault. How could he know? How could he know that I, in fact, DID run to my child's room after a too long nap and find him not breathing. He couldn't have known. I don't hold that against him. But I noticed immediately, that it set that evening up for "The Veil." "the Veil" is what I have come to refer to as my dark place in plain sight. I am hidden, but not completely. It is a state of feeling, but I can only describe it as a veil.
It is a dark, sheer fabric that drapes over my head. The fabric is tightly woven so it is difficult to make out distinct features or expressions on my face. I can see out more clearly than you can see in, but it is all still tinted a shade of gray. Every time I try to take a deep breath in, the veil forms a suction around my mouth or nose, and I find it hard to fill my lungs. I can't take a true deep breath, it is always filtered but his dark veil I don. Instead, I take short slow breaths to avoid the slightly suffocating affect of those deep breaths. In turn, I never feel as though I am truly able to release this tension that resides in my lungs. I feel tight chested. I feel trapped, almost panicked... waiting for the veil to be lifted so I can breath deep.
I feel as though I no longer wear this veil, but that it wears me, refusing to remove itself from me. It allows outsiders to see me, but not all of me. They can not see the tears of sorrow streaming down my face. They can only see the bold outline of my mouth, so the sorrow remains concealed, while the overt expressions are visible. They can only detect this sorrow if I allow it to show through frowns or furrowed brow. But I don't allow those expressions to be visible. Instead, I turn up the edges of my mouth in the illusion of a smile. They see the smile, but not the tears that continue to seep out of my distant eyes. They see what makes them feel comfortable... what I know makes them feel comfortable. I smile for them, but what I feel inside does not match that smile.
I have been doing this for years now. This veil has been my saving grace, my crutch, my weakness. I like the veil... and yet I can't seem to remove it when I want to. I am having a harder time letting go of it. At first it was like a security blanket. "If I look happy, then people will stop asking me if I am okay."
I completely understand why women in mourning used to wear veils. I completely understand.
When will I be done mourning? When will I stop being triggered by others' mindless comments? When will this veil stop feeling more like an extension of me than a garment I can actually remove?
I have been living in a dark, illusive place for some time. The past two years, since we have returned from Korea, have been the hardest two years of my life so far. I have fallen into this pit of emotions that are so thick, I feel as though someone has added another few layers of sheer fabric to my veil. It feels heavier, thicker, and less likely to go anywhere any time soon. I am slowly suffocating as I struggle to take in the air. My breaths have become shorter, fainter. There have been days I just wanted to stop trying. The effort it takes to truly breath and allow life giving oxygen to enter my body hurts. It is exhausting. I wonder how much longer I can manage before the veil forms a permanent suction against my face and slowly grafts into my skiing becoming a part of me forever. I want freedom.
I want freedom.

I need freedom.
LL

My filthy hiding place.

I stare at the floor. The room around me buzzing with the sound of scurrying feet and screaming voices. The boys are chasing one another again as I sit here in the rocking chair, rocking Lena. I have three kids. Well, three living kids.

My heart aches as I think there should be another little skittering set of feet in that game of chase. But then, my heart constantly aches these days. I find myself in this same blur of inactivity... just staring. I am empty. I feel there is no stirring in this heart of mine other than pangs of remembrance and pangs of recognition. Remembrance of Owen. Recognition of this void in my faithfulness. Where has my joy gone? Yes, I find joy in my family at times, but it is incomplete. It feels lacking. It is not the full joy intended by the One who gave me this family, this life. Yet... I know why this joy is lackluster. I know how to wipe away the blurry film that is clouding my vision. I just don't.

Why is it when I need God most (which by the way is always) I try to fend for myself before going to my Father for help? (Which by the way is ALWAYS) I have relied upon myself for far too long now and have in essence dug a hole that goes deep. It is dark in this hole. It is dark, damp and lonely. In a house full of kids who want nothing more than my undivided attention, I feel alone and unnecessary. I feel undesirable. I feel empty. I feel... but nothing I want to feel.

My head (AKA sinful flesh) plays tricks on me. "Lindsey, you don't need God. Just put on some upbeat music, have a cup of coffee, and spend a little time chatting online... THEN, you will feel better." Yes, head, you're right. I feel better... thanks. And then I stop doing those things and go back to that dark hole. I keep digging, with a dull spoon, through the hard stone and firmly packed clay. It is hard work, tiring work, unnecessary work. What is my goal? Where am I digging to? Wait. Don't I want to be going the other direction? My mind tells me no. My heart tells me yes... my mind usually wins.

I am a very logical person by nature. If you have ever come to me with a problem, I am very practical in the suggestions for resolving the matter. I like tangible things. I like to see results. I am not patient... Taylor can attest to this. I am the polar opposite of patient. There is something very gratifying in fixing things or finding a clever solution. It plays a beautiful melody to my prideful heart, and I am pretty sure this is the very reason I love creating things. Whether it is sewing, crocheting, cooking... you name it, if it is creating a useful product... I love it. Too much. It also make me feel as though I have power or control over the situation when I can fix it.

Here enlies my "hole." My mind is telling me to just keep trying solutions, bandaids if you will, for the way I am feeling. My heart tells me to cry out to God, but my mind continues to remind that prideful heart how good it feels to be the author of the solution. My pride has gone before my fall... and boy did I fall hard and deep. I can only see the Sonlight ever so often. The walls of my hole are pretty high above my head and block out most of the Light. These prideful walls that were created by my own hands. I don't feel very accomplished in this creation. I certainly didn't want to take a picture of these walls and post them on Facebook to brag about. Not like my other outward creations. But then, a picture wouldn't come close to showing the deep pains. The aching, longing, and yet reckless disregard. I know Who can fill this hole. I know Who can remove this prideful heart and nonsensical mind. I know. I just don't act. so... I sit. I this damp, dark, lonely hole. I have forgotten how to ask for help. I have forgotten to call out to those in the Light up there on solid ground. I have hit the shifting sands under the top layers of this earth and am along for the ride... I want out. I NEED out. I need help. Please pray for me. That the Light would reach me, warm me... and that I would remember how to truly seek out that help I so desperately need now.

I want to bury my sorrows and downtrodden feelings in that hole... not reside with them in it.

Lord, I know you hear me from this dark place I have created. I am alone... and longing for your warmth. I ask, Lord, that you would renew my joy. I am at a loss of words. You know my heart. You know my deepest darkest hours, thoughts, fears... You and You alone know how to minister to this heart of mine. So please, Lord, forgive me of my sins. Forgive me of my disregard and ignorance. Forgive me, O God the Father, and replace my sorrows with Joy. Replace my longing with Fulfillment. Replace my my wrongful thinking with Your thoughts, Your loving embrace is all I desire. Please, Lord, please create the change I can not. I can do nothing apart from you, Lord. I thank you for that, and ask all these things in Jesus' holy name. Amen.

LL

Long Time, No See

This weekend I was blessed with a visit from a very near and dear friend. We often get mistaken for sisters as we are built similarly, have the same curly hair, and we even mother our kids very similarly. It is a unique friendship. A friendship that now spans three generations. Our moms are great friends, we are great friends, our kids are great friends... well okay, Hank may not have won over any hearts this weekend with his rough and tumble ways, but give it a year or two. :)
I have known this sweet "sister" since high school. She actually was my "big sis" on drill team, and IS my sister in Christ, so the term is both entertaining and truthful. We joke about our 6 year olds one day being married to further solidify the bond between our families, but it wouldn't be necessary. She is in my heart always. I'll refer to her as K.
While spending time with my "sister," we had a very deeply needed conversation. I have been struggling with many unearthed emotions lately and yet, they have a way of uncontrollably leaving my lips when this cherished sister is near. I have no guard up with her. K has such a tender heart. She so patiently listened while I spewed out all my complaints, worries and frustrations.
I have been in a dry spell since moving back from Korea. I feel as though the rug was pulled out from under me when we got home. The church I thought we'd attend... we don't attend. The people I thought I'd spend the most time with... I hardly ever see. The place I thought we'd be living... we abandoned after only a few months. It was hard. I had a very difficult time being content with my lack of familiarity and simply adjusting to change. Change. Something that is constant... yet I CONSTANTLY have such opposition towards change. It makes for a very unhappy person when you cannot roll with the punches. I am a very unhappy person lately.
In talking with K, I described my difficulties in building relationships. How when I reach out to someone, that door seems to be slammed in my face. Either the other person is not motivated to pursue the friendship, they move away, or life is just too busy. In any case, my feelings have been hurt many a time these past couple of years as I try to build up a base of believing friends. It didn't dawn on me until the words came out of my mouth while talking to K, that perhaps God was pushing these "friendships" away from me so I would learn to rely on Him first and foremost for contentment, acceptance, and companionship. Two years. Two long, lonely years. I have struggled to feel accepted, to feel like I belong. All this time, God was trying to tell me I DON"T belong. This world is not what I should be chasing. These relationships are not what I should prioritize ahead of my most important relationship. The only relationship that will last through eternity and will not fade or pass with the passing of this world. The one relationship I was NOT pursuing.
There, I said it. I have been chasing selfish desires, but hose desires were not for the Lord. I had so quickly forgotten Who gives and Who takes. Who builds up and Who tears down. I had forgotten Who had made me to desire fellowship. I had forgotten. And so I pursued temporary joys again. And rooted my happiness in my present situation rather than in my eternal blessing and salvation. I was slowly sinking in my own selfish sorrows.
While K and I were talking, something she said stuck out to me. She said 'Here I was thinking I had mastered my emotions and that I was at peace, but the very next day, someone would talk about my struggle... or share their joy... and I would think "God, I really didn't learn my lesson, did I."' That was a scary thought for me.
Have I learned my lesson, God? I don;t think God always punishes us to teach us. In fact, many times answered prayers have brought me to tears as I reflect on just how intricately God had to orchestrate life for that to come about. I also think "punish" is not really a word we should ever use when talking about how God treats his children. He disciplines us, restores us, rebuilds us and reveals to us that our ways are so different from His. I KNOW the loss of Owen was not a punishment. But it is by far one of the biggest events in my life in which He has changed me.
Owen passed away at about 7 weeks old. Lena is almost 7 weeks old. It just hit home when K asked "Did I learn my lesson?"
Did I listen? Truly listen to what God is or was trying to teach me? Am I really changed?
I don't usually fear that God will take Lena to be with Him as He did for Owen, but I DO think about whether his death was in vain or not.
Was Owen's death in vain? No. Just the other day, a friend told me she was forever transformed by Owen's life and death. So maybe I was asking the wrong question... I was. But I was on the right track... it wasn't Owen's death that I was treating half-hazardly. It was Christ's. I was forgetting what Christ had done for me. How that impacted every moment of my life. Every relationship, every everything. I change nothing. I master nothing.
Here I was thinking that it was within my power to master my emotions and yet I was a hot mess. I thought I could create friendships, and yet I had essentially harvested only a very few.

Jeremiah 17:5 says "Cursed is one man who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord."

I DO feel cursed, but it was self-inflicted. I place the blame nowhere else. I place the healing that needs to happen only in one place... the feet of Jesus.

Confessional booth

I struggle with how much to confess and bare open to the world when it comes to my struggles. I feel at times that this is my confessional booth. To some extent, I suppose it is, but not fully. I take these hidden faults to the Lord first, but in need of prayer, I turn to those willing to listen and lift.
I struggle with the same sin and temptation of the flesh as any other human being. I make the same mistakes over and over. I do what feels good at times instead of what is right. I think of myself before others often. I fall short as a wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend. I am a worldly person with worldly desires. I have anger issues. I am fallen. I am no different from the people living next door, or below us, or across the hall. At least, I have been living like I am no different. Truly though, I am very different. I am forgiven. I am redeemed. I am made clean. I am a daughter of I AM. I am continually being sanctified by HIS truth, HIS life, HIS death and HIS ressuection. So nothing of my own accord, but the Father God, through His Son... THE only Son, bought me back from the chains of slavery to sin. I chose God, long after He chose me. You might think this is a story about me. But it is not. The person typing this biography is of little importance. The person writting these thoughts desires to be so transparent, that you would see CHRIST in her, and not the fleshly body she endwells. Christ. Colossians 3:2-3 "Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is HIDDEN with Christ in God." We are hidden with Christ in God. Wow. I sure don't feel that way sometimes. In fact, I feel like I have so much worldly make-up on that you can't even identify who this person is, let alone Who she is hidden with or in.

This forgiven sinner had been falling short again. She had allowed satan to make for her beautiful friendship bracelets. She had been flaunting them and adding to them. Soon, this poor girl was so weighted by the bracelets, that it began to bend her over until she bowed down. Finally... she was alerted to her dirty deeds, her brokeness. To her vanity and pride. To her selfish indulgences. She was burdened with heavy loads. Knowing that these bracelets were easily removed, she began to ask of her Father to cut them off one by one. Soon, the weight became light enough that she no longer needed to bow down low to the ground. She was able to lift her head, her gaze... upward. There, she could see the Light. She could feel the warmth from the Son. She turned to look back at that earthen ground after looking into the light for a time and realized the colors were not as brilliant as she'd remembered them before. The bracelets that lay cut on the ground were no longer as appealing or flattering as she once chose to believe. Her hands constantly becoming lighter from her Father's repeated answer to her pleading. She couldn't help but lift her hands as the bracelets dropped. As the last bracelet fell back toward the tempter, her arms reached full extension and she felt the warm returning embrace of her Protector. It felt so sweet, so perfect, so tender, so pure. She had been away from it for so long, she had almost forgotten that untainted Joy. She had almost forgotten how lovely His Love was, is, will always be. Oh how quickly she forgets. But even more quickly, He forgives... again and again and again. Never failing, always constant. Love. How easily other idols imitate that Love and distract this poor girl. How quickly she gives in to the desire to be loved by anyone and anything that claims to. Satan and his smooth words, his sly ways. We must gird ourselves. We are at war. Constantly.

I am reminded of the need to put on the full armor of God each morning to prepare for the daily battle. To guard my heart from the piercing arrows of lust and selfishness that Satan's soldiers shoot. Without that armor, without knowing God's battle plan, I could become a prisoner of war again. Trapped in a cell of my own sin. I am tired of being a slave to my own sin. I have been behind these self made prison walls for far toooooo long. I have confessed and laid bare m sins before the Lord. I know that He is Good. I know that He is Faithful. I just need prayer. I need someone to go before me in the battle lines against Satan until I regain my strength. I need a few front runners.

Would you be my foot soldiers? Would you pray protection from Satan's arrows? I ask that you would pray for my weaknesses, that they be made into strengths by God for God. To Him be the glory and honor. Forever, Amen.
LL

Approaching.

As the anniversary of Owen's death approaches, I have been silently holding meetings with the Lord. He knows my heart. He knows my yearnings and longings to see sweet Owen again. He knows the pangs as I watched others celebrate their birthdays this year around the same time as his... and the Lord knows just how to comfort me.

I don't really talk about Owen much in the home. It is confusing to Corin... he has not really grasped the concept of death yet. However, this week, three days so far, Corin has asked me about Owen. Corin has brought it up of his own accord and I feel as though our sweet sweet Savior is using Corin to tell me it is okay. It is okay to share Owen with others. It is okay to show others I am sad sometimes and to let people into my world of hurt and joy. It is okay, Lindsey. I struggle, a LOT, with knowing when I should share the story and when I should just keep my mouth shut to save them and myself from an awkward situation. But then I wonder... Am I short changing God? If He is to use the testimony of Owen's life and death for His glory, is hiding the fact that O ever existed helping in that? Am I hiding his story for fear of others' reactions? It is hard to know how one will react to me sharing that chapter of our life with them. It is hard to know if strangers should be let in on that vulnerable heartstring in our journey or just close friends?. When is the most appropriate time to bring it up? Wait for it to casually enter conversation? But it is not a casual conversation piece. IT is hard knowing. It is hard being emotionally tugged like that when someone asks us about our family.

Yes, I am intentionally being vague in this post. It is still hard. The strings are tight. The anniversary is near.

Feedback? Thoughts? I'd love to hear them. In a comment or an e-mail... not picky. Maybe a comment as I am sure there are others out there who struggle with the same thoughts. Maybe not over the same trial, but loss tends to come with these apprehensions whether over family, friends, displacement... etc.
LL

Still the same, but different.

My father-in-law is THE human calendar. You say a date, and he pretty much has a story from one of the many years past.
I am this way to a fault. There are dates that stick out in my memory. Holidays, anniversaries, various special moments, and birthdays. I am probably best with birthdays. That is why today, June 2, was a hard day. It was a birthday that I remember fondly. A birthday that I tried oh so hard to not think about... but when you think about not thinking about something too hard, you can ONLY think about that one something that you are trying not to think about.
Today is Owen's birthday. He would have turned three. I would have made him his favorite flavored cake and his favorite meal and COrin and I would have made him a birthday poster last night. We would have skipped the ministry group meeting and gathered with family to celebrate.
Instead, we all avoid the topic. We avoid the awkward conversation of what ifs and shoulda-coulda-wouldas. It is easier that way. On our hearts, on our eyes.
Yesterday, my thoughts went something like this:
"I think about the woman I was three years ago and pity her. I pity her not only because she had no clue that her worst nightmare would become her worst memory, but also because she was so naive. So young in her faith, that she could not have known how immensely God would be using this little baby she now held to impact and shape her for eternal purposes. Three years seems like such a short time in retrospect, but I hardly recognized myself the other day in comparing the woman in the mirror with the woman in the picture holding little baby Owen. Now I do not say this to brag on my own part, because I really had NOTHING to do with the change that has occurred. I am still the selfish sinner I was before, but with greater understanding. Greater thirst, to know the One who has changed me daily through the trials fit for me."

And my thoughts today.......
... here I am, different, yet still the same. Still the same, yet different. I learned the hard way that things of this world are temporary. That life is a gift. I held my little boys so tightly. I loved my family whole heartedly. A piece of my heart died with Owen. I feel so strange. I feel like I have a hard time letting my guard down now and loving without restraint, even when it comes to my family. I build walls, I build barriers. SO have I really grown? Have I really changed? I have, but I also allowed Satan to work in my weakness and in my blindspots. The places I was not prayerful about, yep, Satan took full advantage. He snuck in and settled. I had no clue. I was naive. So three years later, I am still a naive believer... different, but still the same. Still the same, but different.
LL

Derailed.

Confession: My time in the Scriptures... not so much lately.
I have been making, and using, every excuse in the book as of late. " Well, we have just been so busy with getting settled." "I have so much stuff going on and all I want to do is crash when I get a few minutes to myself." "I am praying a lot... that counts, right?!"
While it is true that my prayer life has been constant, dare I say more fervent, over the past couple of months, my reading has taken a total nose dive. I have been reading a lot more books with Corin (I know, another excuse.), and have not been setting aside time to read to myself. And when I do... it is not the edifying Word of Life I need so much, but have been resisting quite adamantly.
Why? Why do I shut the Lord out and refuse to hear His voice? Why would I speak with Him in Prayer and yet not listen for a response? While I know it will not come as a shocker to some, I do this in my worldly life too. I talk, talk, talk... then when it is my turn to listen, I tune out. When it is time to hear how I can improve, I tune out. When it is time to hear how I can help His Kingdom, I tune out. WHY?! ARg. I drive myself nuts with my boastful, prideful, stubborn self. I allow Satan to whisper sweet nothings in my ear and tell me that I am a good little girl for talking to God, but when it is time to listen to my amazing Savior's response I am too busy puffing up my chest with pride as I listen to Satan's lies about how great I am all on my own. I neglect to hear the TRUTH.
I am nothing. I am dust. I can do NOTHING without my Lord and Savior JESUS!!!! Hello. Wake up and smell the coffee, Lindsey, because it is time to set aside time with the Lord... and not just in prayer, but in quiet meditation on His word. Quiet... hmm. In my house, that means before the kids wake up, or after the kids go to bed. I know this is asking a lot of you, but please hold me accountable. Ask me how my reading is going. It takes two seconds, but it works wonders. Conviction is a powerful motivator. Hopefully one day I can say that I ADORE reading the Scriptures every chance I can get... sadly, I am ashamed to say, this sinner is not there just yet.

LL

A Mother's Joy

I started a poem the other day as I reflected on what it is like being a mom. Words can never truly express the feeling, but I ventured to write out some thoughts. While this is not yet finished... I want to dedicate it to my mom. A mom who has loved me, supported me, and encouraged me throughout my life. A mom I could and never would replace. I love you mom!


Long awaiting, anxious thoughts,
Fears, joys, what ifs and what nots.
Laborious efforts, body worn,
FInally holding that tiny form.

Melting heart with every glance,
Lovingly embracing at every chance.
Prayers go up, joy flows in.
Ready for the journey to begin.

Soaking it up as baby grows,
grabby fingers, ticklish toes.
Soon they're sitting, now they crawl.
Walk, now talk, getting into it all.

Fits and fussing, bruises, bumps.
Never ending days of grumps.
Smiles, kisses, hugs and laughter,
Your sweet little shadow following after.

A mother's joy, full to the brim,
Triggered by a simple grin,
Or look, or hug, or singing aloud...
In their triumphs, you feel proud.

A mother's joy, never fully grasped,
'Til in your own arms you've clasped,
A blessing, a gift that God created,
Unique for you, never duplicated.

A love that God grows to draw us near,
Near Himself in love, awe, and fear.
A love that before, never fully known,
But once a parent, this privilege shown.

The privilege of knowing Christ's love for us all,
A love that that Lifted us up from the Fall.

God loved his children,yes me and yes you,
So much that He sent Jesus, to be pierced through.
For our sakes, our lives, our sin He was sent.
The perfect, the ONLY pure atonement.

God the Father, sent His Son,
Not His third or fourth but His only One.
I can only image the pain in His heart,
As the life of Jesus began to depart.

Through the suffering, the scoffing, the hardships the trial...
God was there watching and loving all the while.





I never knew how much a parent loves their child until I became a mom. I never knew how HARD it must have been for God to watch his Child suffer, until I tended to a hurt child of my own... and I never knew how excruciating it must have been for God to watch his Son die until I lost my own child. I am so thankful to know God's character more, through the three little blessings he has given Taylor and I. And I am so thankful for my parents in having loved me and patiently waited for my brother and I to mature into adults. Thanks mom and dad! :)

LL

An eye opener.

Things I have been thinking on lately? Well, honestly... the woes of nighttime feedings for the baby. For a while he was sleeping 10-11 hours through the night without waking for feedings and changes. I was elated to say the least (especially after my firstborn had been up every 1 1/2 hours through his infancy). Anyways... I was perceiving this to be a curse. A punishment of sorts. Why must I suddenly get up every three hours after everything was going soooo well? I was looking at the glass half empty.

A typical day goes as follows:
wake up.
dose myself with coffee after feeding the babe and kiddo.
read.
check e-mail.
put babe down for nap.
hang with kiddo.
snack.
feed babe.
play with boys.
clean.
make lunch.
quiet time and naps for boys. (and mommy)
clean/relax/read.
feed babe.
hang with kiddos.
make dinner.
put babe down for nap.
eat.
feed babe.
family time.
boys to bed.
hang with hubby.
sleep.
feed babe.
sleep.
feed babe.
sleep.
new day begins.

I try to squeeze prayer time in there when I can, when I get broken and tired, when I remember that the Lord is there. :/
I am not always successful. I let Him speak to me through His word... but I forget to speak with Him sometimes. To respond. To give thanks.

Enter night time feedings, stage left.
I find that I tend to spend that time in prayer. For the boys, for my hubby, for family, friends, and just giving thanks.
Something I did not really notice until the other night.

Here I had been frustrated and selfish about my interupted sleep patterns. I had been looking at the glass as half full when it was actually overflowing. I had been thinking of these in a selfish inward manner. Duh. Stinking sin nature just goes and ruins everything.
It was as if I had gone to a 3D movie, not knowing it was in 3D, and not having on the right lenses, I walked out of the viewing dissapointed at the fact that the picture was blurry and of porr quality. But as I got out of the theatre, I found perspective. I glanced back at the theatre to see people exiting with the 3D glasses in hand and smiles on their faces.
I then find myself disheartened to know that I could have enjoyed my experience so much more if I had prepared better for the event. If I had gone in with the right equiptment and attitude, I would have enjoyed the movie so much more. But I hadn't. I just rushed in trying to selfishly get the best seat and ended up missing the most enjoyable parts of the experience.
I realize that I should have been thanking the Lord for the opportunities each night to spend time with Him and to pray over the boys while they slept and to meditate on the Lord. The house is so quiet and still at nighttime feedings. They are one of my favorite times now. SOme of my most cherished moments are the ones that I used to be selfishly begrudged about. I look forward to each time that Hank wakes me during the night. He quietly eating, and me quietly talking with my Father. Pure bliss. Uninterupted BLISS. Now if only I could remember to stop, take in the situation, get the right equiptment (and attitude) and go into each little movie of life fully prepared.
I know I won't. I know I will still rush into the theatre for the best seat sometimes... but I pray that the times I do, that I would remember to look back and learn from that experience.

Sometimes, just taking a moment to reflect on the past can open your eyes to what you missed and give you something more to look forward to next time.

~ Thankful for nighttime feedings.
LL

Out of the World and Into His Arms.

"The new man takes a new course. His conversation is in heaven. No sooner does Christ call one by effectual grace, but he immediately becomes a follower of Christ. When God has given him a new heart, he henceforth walks in His statutes. Though sin may dwell in him truly a wearisome and unwelcome guest, it has no more dominion over him. He is not one man at church and another at home. He is not a saint on his knees and a cheat in his shop. He turns from all his sins and keeps all of God's statutes, though not perfectly, yet sincerely, not allowing himself the breach of any. Now he delights in the Word, and sets himself to prayer. He has a good conscience willing in all things to live honestly without offence towards God and men (Heb. 13:18). Here you find the unsoundness of many that take themselves for good Christians. They take up the cheap and easy duties of religion, but are not thorough with the work. They are like a cake half-baked. You may find them exact in their words, punctual in their dealings, but they do not exercise themselves unto godliness; as for governing their hearts, they are strangers. You see them duly at church; but follow their families, and you see little but the worldly minded... They seem religious, but do not bridle their tongues (James 1:26)... The hypocrite is not thorough in obedience. The new man bears fruit unto holiness, and though he makes a blot, yet the law and life of jesus is what he looks for as his pattern. He respects all of God's commandments. He is sensitive in his conscience even to the little sins and little duties." ~ Joseph Alleine, A Sure Guide to Heaven, pp. 36-37

I have often been concerned with my own heart. I struggle with my own sin and therefore have questioned my salvation from time to time. I am sure we all have struggled with these thoughts early in our walk with the Lord. I am sure we have all wondered what a true believing heart produces in our lives, actions, thoughts... and I am most certain that it produces remorse. sadness. frustration. longing. determination. We are remorseful over our sins acted upon or thought upon. We are saddened at the thought that it will happen not only this once, but often. We are frustrated that we struggle with these sins when we desire so much to be like Christ in our attitutes, actions, thoughts... every aspect of life. We are longing for more of Him and less of us. We are determined to prayerfully battle this sin to the death. We are... if lining up with this process and thought pattern... followers of Christ. He IS in fact hidden in our hearts if we soo long for, and ache for, Him in these ways. I am certain. We are Christians. Not just labeled; but sealed, signed, stamped, and ready for delivery into His Kingdom. We are His... live for Him.

I feel we are all hypocrites at some point in our lives.. but you can not be so if you truly accept Him in rather than romanticize the idea of it. So take the leap... step out of this world and into His arms... He will catch you without fail... He never misses. :)

LL

Unwholesome Prayers

"Until we get our hearts out of the world, how easily our hearts are carried away with the thoughts of earthly concerns... The flesh introduces, and our carnal hearts insert and interlace our prayers with vain thoughts and earthly distractions... Therefore, we should always labour to get our hearts above the world into the presemce of God, as if we were by him in heaven, and wholly swallowed up with his glory. Though our bodies are on earth, our spirits should be in heaven. Until we get above the mists of the world, we can see nothing of clearness and comfort; but when we can get God and our hearts together, then we can see there is much in the fountain, though nothing in the stream; and though little on earth, yet we have a God in heaven...chiefly we should ask spiritual and heavenly things: 'But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and al these things will be added to you.' Matt 6:33...In every prayer we should seek to be made more heavenly minded by conversing with our heavenly Father." ~Thomas Manton, Works, 1:60-62

As I am sure we have all endeavored to be, at one time or another (or many times in our past) prayer warriors, we have to become so first in our own matters if we want to invest prayers in other peoples matters. I have been trying to take tighter reins on my own prayer life and have been reading up on the "ways to pray." As I look at the prayers of those recorded in scripture and of Jesus, I am learning more and more of how selfish and worldly my prayers have been. Discouraging yes, but to be honest, I think we all fall subject to the issue. After all, we are all sinners and so it only makes sense that our prayer would fall victim to that sin as well. I share this because if you, like me, struggle with prayer as a weak point in your walk, I find it helps when someone points out an area you might be in need of improvement or betterment. This is one area we may not be given much needed advise in because much of our prayer life is done intimately and in secret, and rightly so... but we still need to take a look at how we are presenting our petitions to the Lord and what those petitions should look like and they should contain. Our heavenly Father knows what we need and want... do we really need to pray for direction over discernment? Should we pray for the Lord to bring frinds into our lives over contentment in Him? These are questions I have thought over in the past month or so... and in turn, find myself praying for more of His qualities for myself rather than for worldly things. It really does help to refocus every now and then and to take stock of your prayer requests. Perhaps writing down the things you have been praying for as of late would help to determine if you, like me, need to be more rooted in heavenly things through your petitions to the Lord.
I hope this may be of some encouragement to those who feel as I do about their prayer life. I also hope that you will be blessed in your efforts to draw nearer to the Cross through a renewed view of those intimate petitions which you lay at His feet, Who has the power to change us from the inside!
~A thankful sinner... and believer of Christ.
LL

Harsh Realities

Harsh Realities.
In the faith of a believer, there are many harsh realities. One as such, would be that not everyone goes to heaven. Not everyone receives salvation. Not everyone will inherit the Kingdom of God.
Today, as has happened on many occasions in discussing Owen, I was presented with a statement. An intended source of comfort that I am certain was meant well. A statement that consistently catches me off guard.
“Your son is waiting for you in Heaven.”
This is by all means a wonderful thought. A wonderful image that I wish I could convince myself was absolutely true. But I can’t. Not fully. Not wholeheartedly.
John 14:6 Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me.
We are all born into sin. All. Not some. Babies are born into sin. I am not saying this is fair. I am not saying I would wish this to be true. It just is. Just. God is just. If we were not all born sinners, we could never attain salvation. We must be born into salvation or born out of salvation. If we were all born into salvation, then there would be no fear. No fear of God, no fear of Hell. No fear. But there is. There IS fear. Fear of dying. Why? Because people who do not know the Lord, do not know what to expect on the other side. Because if you do not have a firm foundation of Hope in the Lord and His kingdom to come… what hope is there? I think most everyone feels there is some form of heaven or hell. Even if they do not believe in Jesus. Or God for that matter.
If, as believers, we trust that our salvation is through Christ alone and our profession of belief in His truths… then how do we justify boldly stating that God makes exceptions for infants? For children who have not yet proclaimed Christ. How can we? I see nowhere in scripture a clause that states such or a list of exemptions to the law of salvation. I see nowhere in scripture where it talks about God setting up a special room for babies when they die. I am not convinced that Owen is in the presence of our Father.
On the other hand, I am not convinced that he is in Hell either. I AM convinced that we serve a God who is loving and just. A God who has a heart for children and their naïve faith in Him. A God who seeks to do us good and not harm. A righteous God. That is the God whom I serve. The God in whom I have put my faith. And in this just God… I believe that there are many things yet to be revealed to us upon our entrance to His heavenly Kingdom. We have only a glimpse of who God is through his scriptures…
Romans8:18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
So I remain unsettled. I remain perplexed, saddened, encouraged, confused, prayerful, and contemplative.
This pattern of thought does not only pertain to Owen though. If Corin were to pass away today, I am not certain of his final destination either. I constantly present him with the gospel in fear of his eternity… but I am not the one who can save him. I worry for and pray for the salvation of not only him, but my brother, friends , and family who have not professed Christ as their personal savior… and even those who have, but do not bear fruit. I have a hard time as I think of people I know and love who say they believe, but there is nothing in their lives to confirm that. I have been to churches with alter calls that ask of the congregation to come forward and say “this prayer” or get “baptized” in order to obtain a place in heaven. It doesn’t work that way. You can’t just say a prayer to gain access to country clubs or exclusive memberships… the same applies for salvation. You can’t just say Jesus’ name and be cleared of all wrongdoing in your life. You have to BELIEVE. You have to KNOW that He is THE way, THE truth and THE life. It is a heart change. And if you don’t feel the Holy Spirit inside you, convicting your heart when you sin, and encouraging your heart to obey… then there might be a problem. Either there is an ignorance of the scriptures and so therefore you are ignorant of when you sin…. Which I am pretty sure the Holy Spirit could work with make you understand sin has occurred… or you are shutting God out, or your prayers are hindered…. I am not sure, I am no expert. I just know that when I sin, I feel guilt. I feel convicted and I desire to make it right… to obey God. I desire that. That is definitely not of me… because if it were me, I would do what I want and when I want. And to be honest… it would probably line up with the sinners rather than the saints.
Life here on earth is very temporary. There is no assurance of how long we have. No expiration date on the bottom of our heal that tells us when to get all that we’d like to get accomplished by. I wish.
It doesn’t matter if we have the top safety rated car, or the video baby monitors, or live three minutes from the hospital… just in case. It doesn’t matter. The plan is already in ink. And we don’t have a copy in the safe next to our wills. We only have a set of instructions… that we are to follow, and share with those who may not have stumbled upon them yet. We don’t have the power to save, but we have the power to inform.
Don’t expect that God will make allowances for those we love, just because we love them… Don’t expect. Just act. Act upon that desire to see them in eternity with Christ. Pray for them, Love them, and share in the knowledge of Christ Jesus.
I will step off my contemplative soap box now.

Memorizing Scripture

Thy word have I hidden in my heart, that I might not sin against thee. Psalm 119:11

Corin and I have been working on memorizing one scripture verse a week as of late. While it is amazingly beneficial for both of us, it is not much of a challenge for myself. And so I embarked upon a mission. To memorize a chapter. Yes an entire Chapter of a book. Why? Because often times I read a passage and there is more than one good verse that would be beneficial to hide in my heart. So this past week, my friend and I commited ourselves to memorizing Colossians chapter 3. All 25 verses. And guess what?! I did! It was slightly overwhelming at first, but then I decided to break it down into sections of four verses. I wrote the verses as well as verbally rehersed them for about 10 minutes each morning. Throughout the day, I would recite them again, each day adding another four verses. Soon I was barreling my way through the chapter until I reached the finish line.
Before now, I was always amazed at how some people had entire Chapters memorized, or even entire books. I now understand that it didn't happen over night and that it requires constant recitation, but it is SOOOO worth it to have God's word at the tip of your tongue! It also helps to keep your thoughts from wandering when you have an entire chapter to practice reciting throughout the day.
The take away?: I am fully convinced that memorizing scripture is going to be a new addition to my daily quiet times!

In other news:
I have been doing a little something new in my quiet times. I have been going through the book of Psalms, 5 chapters a day, and underlining verses that stick out to me. Because I am a visual and kinesthetic learner, I write these verses down in a journal and then underline important words within those passages. I then take them to the Lod in prayer, asking that he make those verses real in my life. It has been a great addition to my regular prayer life as well as enhancing my affection for the Lord and His scripture.

A recent good book I read: Radical- Taking back your faith from the American Dream by David Platt
check out some info on it here: radicalthebook.com

Humilty: In, through and for Christ

Philippians 2: 1-18
1Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any (A)fellowship of the Spirit, if any (B)affection and compassion,
2(C)make my joy complete by (D)being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose.
3Do nothing from (E)selfishness or (F)empty conceit, but with humility of mind (G)regard one another as more important than yourselves;
4(H)do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.
5(I)Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in (J)Christ Jesus,
6who, although He (K)existed in the (L)form of God, (M)did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped,
7but [a](N)emptied Himself, taking the form of a (O)bond-servant, and (P)being made in the likeness of men.
8Being found in appearance as a man, (Q)He humbled Himself by becoming (R)obedient to the point of death, even (S)death on a cross.
9(T)For this reason also, God (U)highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him (V)the name which is above every name,
10so that at the name of Jesus (W)EVERY KNEE WILL BOW, of (X)those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
11and that every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is (Y)Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
12So then, my beloved, (Z)just as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your (AA)salvation with (AB)fear and trembling;
13for it is (AC)God who is at work in you, both to will and to work (AD)for His good pleasure.
14Do all things without (AE)grumbling or disputing;
15so that you will prove yourselves to be (AF)blameless and innocent, (AG)children of God above reproach in the midst of a (AH)crooked and perverse generation, among whom you (AI)appear as lights in the world,
16holding fast the word of life, so that in (AJ)the day of Christ I will have reason to glory because I did not (AK)run in vain nor (AL)toil in vain.
17But even if I am being (AM)poured out as a drink offering upon (AN)the sacrifice and service of your faith, I rejoice and share my joy with you all.
18You too, I urge you, rejoice in the same way and share your joy with me.

Humility: In, through and for Christ
hum•ble (dictionary.com)
   ˈhʌm bəl,ˈʌm-Show Spelled [huhm-buh l, uhm-] Show IPA adjective, -bler, -blest, verb, -bled, -bling.
–adjective
1. not proud or arrogant; modest: to be humble although successful.
2. having a feeling of insignificance, inferiority, subservience, etc.: In the presence of so many world-famous writers I felt very humble.
3. low in rank, importance, status, quality, etc.; lowly: of humble origin; a humble home.
EXPAND
4. courteously respectful: In my humble opinion you are wrong.
5. low in height, level, etc.; small in size: a humble member of the galaxy.
COLLAPSE
–verb (used with object)
6. to lower in condition, importance, or dignity; abase.
7. to destroy the independence, power, or will of.
8. to make meek: to humble one's heart.

A breakdown of Paul’s letter:
2:1 If you believe…
2:2 then you should act…
2:3-4 Introduces/defines humility
2:5-11 Humility displayed through Christ
2:12-18 Encouragement and exhortation to follow Christ’s humble example. ACTIVE

Paul begins this part of his letter with a cause and effect, as it pertains to faith in Christ. He basically says, IF you count on Christ, THEN you can do what I am about to ask of you.
I love how Paul says “make my joy complete by…” Make MY joy complete. Paul takes great joy, complete joy, in seeing believers obey and honor their Father. How often do we feel complete joy in seeing others walking in obedience and humility? We should take note of this attitude and evaluate our own hearts to see if we are delighting in the same joys our Father delights in. “Be of same mind.”
Paul then lists off several ways in which these believers can be imitating and serving Christ and others. (vv 2-4)
Verse 3 shows how Paul is able to truly take joy in seeing the believers grow in faith and obedience. “…regard one another as more important than yourselves;” If we regard others, especially Christ, as more important, then we will be able to receive this joy Paul speaks of in verse 2. It also shows a reflection of Jesus in our attitude. Paul then goes into detail of how Christ showed humility in His own life and death in verses 5-11.
When I started the study of this section this week, it reminded me of a song my three year old son is currently obsessed with. “Lord I lift your name on high.” If you are not familiar with the song, the chorus sums up the lifeline of Christ.
“You came from Heaven to Earth,
To show the way.
From the Earth to the Cross,
My debt to pay,
From the Cross to the Grave,
From the Grave to the Sky,
Lord I lift your name on High!
Jesus took on the humble task of becoming human. Not just human, but a bond-servant , as He left his seat in Heaven to trade it in for dusty sandals and calloused hands in his fleshly body. He humbled Himself in obedience to the Father through servitude and eventually His death on a cross. Crucifixion at this time was the most shameful form of punishment you could receive… a very public and humiliating way to die.
This is just one of the many reasons God exalted Him and loved Christ so dearly. God set Jesus apart as a specific name in the Trinity, a name that holds great power of salvation. When we believe in the life, death and resurrection of Christ and confess through that name, we receive a place in the Kingdom of God! WOW!
Jesus is Lord.
Imagine how much joy the father takes in us when we recognize that sacrifice through humility and obedience in our own lives. Not only does it give Him glory, but also reaffirms our trust in His decision to send His one and only beloved son for our sake.
Have you ever sacrificed something you owned or your time in hopes that it will be of future benefit to others? Can you imagine now giving your very own child up for death, in hopes that it will save the lives of many more in generations to come? I have a hard enough time just sacrificing a daily shower without complaining… I can’t imagine willingly sending my child to die such a tragic death for the greater good. And if we can claim faith in Christ, but not act upon that faith… have we validated Christ’s death? Or are we ungratefully taking advantage of our Father’s sacrifice? Each time we choose to sin rather than obey… each time we put ourselves before others, rather than humbly imitate Christ… we basically imply Christ’s death was not satisfactory to us. We are just as the mockers who spit on him and beat Jesus that dark day. I don’t know about you, but that moves me to repentance… because I too often choose myself over others.
I think Paul was trying to evoke the same emotions from his audience in Philippi. As Paul moves into the next section of scripture, he says “So then, my beloved.” So then, because of this, in reaction to this… Paul is calling them to action.
Verses 12-18 call us to action and shows applicable ways to be active in pursuit of humility and Christ-like character.
2:12 “work out your salvation with fear and trembling” = Paul is not saying that we can attain our own salvation through works, but rather that it takes effort (work) and not just words to grow in our faith. We all have to put forth effort in our daily walk… regardless of our stage of spiritual maturity. We are all still sinners and must fight against those earthly temptations as we strive towards humility and selflessness.
2:14 “Do all things without grumbling or disputing”= Paul is reminding us that we are sinful and selfish by nature. When asked to do something for others, we are inclined to put up resistance… to complain or argue. We need to fight these tendencies as we remember Christ, who endured the cross without grumbling or disputing.
2:15 “appear as lights in the world”= Paul is calling us to reflect the light that Christ emits from within our hearts as we stand against the sinful and dark world we live in temporarily.
2:16 “holding fast to the word of life” = Paul reminds us to constantly be in the word and sharing the word, gospel, with others.
2:17 “ rejoice in the same way and share your joy with me.”= Paul says REJOICE in the same way that I rejoice. Share in the excitement and be joyful when you see Christ’s character and humility displayed in others. Share that joy with others… and rejoice with God in the righteousness and recognition and adoration of Christ through ACTION!

I will leave you with a few other verses to encourage and re-enforce Pauls thoughts and call to action.
Psalm 25:8-11
Proverbs 11:2
Proverbs 18:12 (relates to Phil 2:9)
Zephaniah 2:3
James 4:10 (Phil 2:9)
1 Peter 5:5-6 (again Phil 2:9)
Ephesians 4:2 (Phil 2:4)

So we are to show humility in our lives. It is a recurring theme throughout the Bible as it should be in our lives. We are to show humility in, through and for Christ.

In Christ: In faith through Christ (v 2:1, 2:11)
Through Christ: (vv 2:5-11) demonstrated though Christ and delivered through the Father (v 13)
For Christ: (2:13) For God’s glory and good pleasure.

Through this obedience and attitude of Humility… we honor Christ for His life, death and resurrection and show Trust in God through His plans that He has brought to fruition and is bringing into being.
LL

Colossians 3:1-17

True Renewal through Obedience and Grace
Colossians 3:1-17 (I pulled from the NAS version)
A quick look at what we will tackle in this passage:

V. 1-4: Paul begins this chapter by reaffirming our position with God/Christ as believers, something we can all be encouraged by… even in the midst of stagnancy within our walk.

V. 5-11: Paul talks of who we once were as sinners under Satan’s persuasion (old self) and who we have become in Christ (new self). Paul also addresses the fact that we are constantly growing and being renewed to become more like Christ.

V. 12-17 Paul then gives applications of our faith, commandments/choices we can make to obey our Father and Savior in order to Glorify God for His grace and mercy. This obedience we are called to, leads to renewal and growth, as well as a positive representation of the Living God we serve.

Now let us get a little deeper into this text.

In Chapter 1 of the letter to the Colossians, Paul exhorts them and shows gratitude for the Faith they have received through belief in the True Gospel. Paul also then relays his desire to see growth within this community of Believers. Chapter 3 pertains mostly to the stipulations or characteristics of our Calling, which if they align with God’s desires, can lead to a renewal and growth in our faith.

I believe we could all agree that God desires to see growth in all of His children. Through God’s grace and mercy, we have been “raised up with Christ.” (v. 1) Paul is essentially calling us to take notice of God’s grace towards us in our Salvation; to become in experience, what we have already been risen to with Christ. We are to live lives that are “hidden with Christ in God.”(v.3) We should not be trying to push through to the forefront for attention; we should be veiling our lives in the blood of Christ. We should be obedient to our calling, and in return God will sanctify us to look more and more like Christ. That is our ultimate goal after all, to become more like Christ… to allow Him to shine through our thoughts, actions and attitudes so that He may receive the glory and we shall in turn receive the rewards in heaven. “Christ, who is our life” (v.4), the giver of life, both mortal and eternal is worthy of our obedience.

Paul then talks of our old self, our mortal body and heart that lust after earthly things. Paul asks us to think of that old self as dead; “consider the members of your earthly body as dead.” (v.5) Paul then lists various sins we indulged in and warns that “the wrath of God will come upon the sons of disobedience” (v.6), and that “in them you also once walked” (v.7), but are now able to, through salvation, “put them all aside.” (v.8) That is, we have “laid aside the old self with its evil practices.”(v.9) We are dead to our old self; our old body, our old habits, our old lusts/desires, our old thoughts, and most importantly… our old master, Satan. Paul is not saying that through your faith in Christ and the new life you received that you will stop sinning and that you won’t fall back into some of those habits or be tempted often… but he is saying that you need to put them aside. This involves a conscious effort as well as constant sanctification, renewal, forgiveness and grace from our Heavenly Father. You are to “set your mind on things above, not on the things that are on earth.” (v.2)

Through the death of our old self, comes eternal life in our new self. This new self which we “have put on” (v.10), is constantly “being renewed to a true knowledge.”(v.10) Accompanying this new self, we have a new set of rules, new desires, new habits, new thoughts, and most importantly… a new Master, Father and Savior. We were “chosen of God, holy and beloved” (v.12), and adopted into His family. We were given a new set of rules and freedoms. We stand forgiven and loved, awaiting a Hope promised to us upon our entry into the Family. We are no longer used for spite, selfish fulfillment or revenge… but for GLORY!  We have a choice to serve God and righteousness. We are still sinners and need to make an effort to serve and obey, rather than slip into our old ways. As sinners, we need renewal and encouragement in our walk. This is where v12-17 come in.

Paul, through God, calls us to:
v.1 “keep seeking the things above”
v.2 “set your mind on things above…”
v.5 “consider the members of your earthly body as dead”
v.8 “put them all aside”
v.9 “do not lie”
v.12 “put on a heart of…”
v.13 “bearing with one another, and forgiving each other…”
v.14 “put on love”
v.15 “Let(allow) the peace of Christ rule in your hearts”
“be thankful”
v.16 “Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you…”
“teaching and admonishing one another…”
v.17 “do all in the name of the Lord Jesus”
“giving thanks…”

The above are just a few ways to actively serve and obey the true Living God. We should constantly be striving to align our actions with Christ’s, and it is through this striving and obedience, we will be constantly sanctified and “renewed.” (v.10,11) Each time we practice these commands to love, be thankful, absorb God’s word, spend time in true fellowship, worship, praise and be in prayer with God; we are renewed. It is a renewal that we ourselves cannot obtain through our own doing, but through the grace of God.

Let us take a moment to look at what God says about renewal.
We see this concept in various texts throughout the scriptures.
Romans 12:2 “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.”
Notice the use of the term renew: That we should be renewing our minds (through constant reading of God’s word). We can only renew our minds… not our hearts, faith, or spiritual strength/growth.
2 Corinthians 4:16 “Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day.”
This verse shows that renewal is not a one-time deal. Renewal is constant, day by day and comes from an external source. We know this because it is our natural inclination to get discouraged or “lose heart” and God is the one who will renew and lift us up.
Ephesians 4:23 “ and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind”
Again we see the concept of being renewed from an external source.
Colossians 3:10 “and have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowledge…”
This verse combines the concept of external and continual renewal.
Colossians 3:11 “a renewal in which there is no distinction between Greek and Jew… but Christ is all, and in all.”
I love how this verse shows that not only is God unbiased as to who receives salvation and renewal, but also the source is revealed clearly… Christ.

Only God has the ability to take our old self, that immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, greed(v.5), anger, wrath, malice, slander, abusive speech(v.8) and every other form of sin/disobedience and transform our hearts to display compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience(v.12), forbearance, forgiveness(v.13), love, thankfulness(v.15), wisdom(v.16) and obedience(v.17).
God can renew us from ignorance to “true knowledge.”(v.10) The catch… He gives us a choice in the matter. We can choose to obey or ignore. We can choose to allow God to sanctify, or allow Satan to create space and separation between us and God. We can choose to represent well, a God who sent His son to be publicly humiliated, beaten, and killed in order that we might know the joy and freedom of eternal life through our Savior with a Holy, Loving, and Just God… or we can misrepresent our Savior and His sacrifice as we allow Satan, who selfishly desires to be god and denied the grace offered to him in the beginning, to lead us as believers and also unbelievers away from God.

How often do you feel run down by the end of the day? Or even by the end of the morning? How often are we turning to God for renewal rather than earthly “comforts” such as a hot cup of tea, down time with music/ipods, distractions with movies or TV or other forms of temporary pleasures?
Let us turn to God. Let us trust and obey what God has called us to do through our salvation. Let us represent Christ well. Let us be renewed.

Remember, you are not the only one who struggles with sin. I myself struggle daily with anger, wrath and selfishness. I find myself neglecting Corin throughout the week as I seek “community and adult time.” I leave him to entertain himself and fend for his own sense of community, one that allows me to waste my time with e-mails and facebook conversations or comments. The problem only escalates from selfish neglect to anger when Corin lashes out for my attention through disobedience. I get frustrated and punish him for trying to spend time with me. At times, that punishment and discipline is enforced with anger or wrath in my heart and voice. I am then convicted through his reaction or facial expression and we have a moment of prayer together as Corin witnesses me turn to Christ in my weaknesses. I usually then make an effort to present myself as a living example of the Christ I so desire Corin to love and seek after for his own Salvation. Hidden in Christ… that is the key. I constantly have to reset my focus and turn to God for help and renewal.

So as we look back at the scripture we covered, let’s remember what Paul, through God, has presented to us.

1. First, bear in mind that we have been raised up and hidden in Christ. Our faith has enabled us, through God’s help, to lay aside our old self and the lives that were consumed with sin as we looked to the world for answers. We have, through faith, laid aside our old self and now we must put aside our evil practices as well.
2. Second, be encouraged in knowing that your faith in Christ means you have a new self that is constantly being renewed by God himself and all His mercy and grace. That only God can renew you, but you can receive that much needed refreshment through obedience.
3. Lastly, Be ACTIVE. Be active in your walk through obedience to the Lord. Paul gives us several examples as to how we can actively serve God and in turn receive that much needed and desired renewal. We want to be hidden in Christ, not fighting for the spotlight. So, “Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father.”

Let’s read Romans 6:18-23.
18and having been (A)freed from sin, you became slaves of righteousness.
19(B)I am speaking in human terms because of the weakness of your flesh For just (C)as you presented your members as slaves to impurity and to lawlessness, resulting in further lawlessness, so now present your members as slaves to righteousness, resulting in sanctification.
20For (D)when you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness.
21Therefore what (E)benefit were you then deriving from the things of which you are now ashamed? For the outcome of those things is (F)death.
22But now having been (G)freed from sin and (H)enslaved to God, you derive your (I)benefit, resulting in sanctification, and (J)the outcome, eternal life.
23For the wages of (K)sin is death, but the free gift of God is (L)eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Questions to think about:
1. What “evil practices” or sins do you struggle with on a regular basis or as of late?
2. Who or what do you turn to when you are in need of comfort or renewal? Do you turn to worldly things to help you forget? Or do you turn to your Heavenly Father for forgiveness and to renew your spirit?
3. What area of your faith could you be more active in pursuit of obedience to God? Is it your reading, prayer life, fellowship or behavior/attitude?
4. Lastly, do you feel as though you are truly hidden in Christ, or are you hiding Christ behind you? Who comes first/shines through?

Please take time to pray for others in your group and for God to renew your hearts that he may receive all the Glory.
Give Thanks! 

Encouraged

These past couple of weeks I have been studying a chapter in Colossians in preparation for a devotional I will be giving this coming Saturday. It has been very encouraging to me. Not only in the way it has convicted my spirit and caused me to reflect more on Christ, but also just the amount of time I am actually studying God's word. There is intent in my reading. There is intent in my quiet times. I am not just reading through the Bible to fulfill my goal of reading through it in a year, but I am reading now with the intent to draw something from the text. Through this enriching experience, I have decided to try and create a short devotional a week rather than reading through the entire Bible in a year. I have had success in reading throught he entire Bible in the past, but feel I was more concerned with fulfilling that specific day's quota of pages rather than focusing on what the text was intented to teach me. No more. I want to read with understanding. I want to glean from the pages God inspired for our benefit. I want to become more like Christ in seeking Him through His word, His instruction.
I encourage you to be intentional in your reading as well. I plan to post my weekly devotions on here as a form of accountability and encouragement to not only myself, but to you as well, and most importantly... for the glory and good pleasure of our Heavenly Father.
Please feel free to keep me accountable in my efforts. Thanks.
LL
Blessed is he who reads and those who hear the words of the prophecy, and heed the things which are written in it; for the time is near. ~Rev. 1:3